the revealing of Anna March 16, 2015

I've decided to take Hooker Problemz in a bit of a different direction.

Instead of keeping it solely based around, well, 'Hooker Problemz' - which to be fair it's been about an array of things lately.
I'd like to continue writing about everything; my past, my vices and my real life problems. 
Some of these things have already been revealed through posts, I realize this.
But, I recently confirmed everyone in my family knows, so there's no point in pretending I'm someone I'm not anymore....

I'm still Cassidy, but my real name is Anna. (pronounced "AW-NUH")

And this is a part of who Anna is....

Anna has been here, in these words and in these stories more than you know.
Anna has just been using Cassidy's confidence, sex appeal and defensive humor to hide.


"BLOOD WORK ROUNDS!" a loud woman's voice awakes me.

A fluorescent light was switched on, causing my eyes to dilate; which made me pull the blanket above my head; leaving the 'blood woman' a mystery to my eyes.
I had been through this before. 
It was anywhere from about 5 AM to 5:30 AM and the phlebotomist, fancy word for 'blood lady', always did her rounds at this absurd time.

There was no point in waking up and starting the day.

I was in a mental institution.

Her waking me up at 5 AM shouting, "BLOOD WORK ROUNDS!" makes it hard to forget what my true surroundings are and what the rest of the day actually looks like.

I began to hear the mysterious blood woman move from bed to bed in the room.
Her box filled with needles and tubes would hit the side table in a methodical way, followed by the sounds of elastic  ties and winces from the other patients. These sounds would put me back to sleep, my face buried under the pillow which had the thin shitty starch blanket pulled up above to hide the fluorescent lights.

The 'blood lady' had finally reached my bed and began shaking me to wake me up. 
Instead of sitting up and looking her in the eye, like everyone else;
I slid my pale, thin arm from under the starchy white sheets into the glow of the florescent light and let her prick and prod as she pleased.

I always wished I wasn't so tired, or it wasn't so early when she drew the blood, because the pinch from the needle, was the most alive I would feel all day.
Instead of wincing, I would sigh with a relief- because for once I didn't feel numb.

The needle was slid back out of my pale arm and a cotton pad placed over the injection site followed by medical tape. 
The 'blood lady' would then pack her box up of tubes, ties and needles; leaving the room to go to the next ward and start again.

I'd pull my arm back under the warmth of the starchy sheets, pull off the medical tape with the cotton pad and examine the small bit of blood.

'I'm real.' I thought. 'This is real.'

I remained under the starchy sheets but could hear the other mental patients getting out of bed, putting on their slippers and using the bathroom. 

All of them starting the day because some lady came in and took blood from them.


Not me.

I buried myself deep into the pillow and pretended that it wasn't my 4th time back to one of these places.


"Anna? Hello, Anna? Wake up, please" 
I groggily open my eyes to find the mind numbing white of those god damn familiar starchy sheets and florescent lights, and remember where I am.

"What?" I reply from under the sheets.

"My names Dr. Luciano. I heard you had a rough night last night...?"
He waited for a response, but I didn't give him one.
"Well, how are you feeling today Anna?"

"Tired." I answered.

"I understand, you get some more rest and ask someone on staff to see me once you're awake." 
He placed his palm flatly and lightly on my upper back, I guess to comfort me, but all it did was make all the hairs on my arms stand up.

I waited until I was sure I could hear his expensive doctor shoes leave the room and then I slowly pulled the sheet down to check the clock on the wall.
Fuck this.

I pulled the sheet back up and went back to bed.

I awoke around 11AM. 

I wanted to just keep sleeping the day away, fuck it- my life away; but my body was fully charged, and wouldn't let me.

I probably should have taken a shower, or brushed my teeth, but it seemed pointless.
I was still in the hospital robe and pants they had supplied me the night before, which was embarrassing and hindering me from wanting to wander into the halls and see what else was going on. 
Also, I supposed I'd better talk with that Dr. guy; see what bullshit he has to say.

*It's odd looking back at myself then. I was 15 and didn't give a fuck about life; but cared so much about what others' at school or in the street thought of me.*

I slipped my cold feet into the non-surprising, starchy, slippers and ventured out into the hall.

I had come into the building in the middle of the night and had no real idea where I was at the time. 
So seeing it now, was as if I was seeing it for the first time, even though I had sat at that table where everyone was sitting and staring at the TV, a few hours ago.
Only a few hours ago I was sitting there, crying my eyes out answering a bunch of questions and signing a bunch of papers.

Before I could even reach the door of what appeared to be the "common room" seeing as everyone was sitting in there and the TV was there- a woman blocked my path.

"There you are! We were wondering when you were going to wake up! You had quite a night didn't you?!" This nice appearing nurse, was just that. 
Nicely appearing. 
She didn't give a shit. 
Even though her tone was all high and kind and nurturing, she was just doing her job- she had to be that way.
I didn't even bother answering, I just refrained from looking her in the eyes.
"The Doctor has been waiting to speak with you! Follow me..." She insisted.  

She walked past me, causing me to turn around and walk away from the common room. 
As I walked down the hall, I looked back to the common room and caught the eye of a young girl. 
She had black straight across bangs and freckles on her cheeks. 
By the time we reached Dr. Luciano's office all i wanted was to get back to that common room and find out more about her. 
Everyone I had seen so far was over twice my age and she looked young. Sad, but young.
Dr. Luciano acted all excited to see that I was 'awake and doing much better'.
When in reality he really didn't care all that much. 
He had me sit in this arm chair that was next to another arm chair that he sat in. 
So instead of sitting at a desk, across from each other, we sat next to each other but the chairs were close and intimate.

Once we were both sat down and a glass of water had been offered and rejected to me.
He began with the questions, "So, what happened last night?"

*I think it's important to remind you that I was 15 at the time. I was this young rebel without a cause. Sitting down in front of this well to do intelligent doctor, was like a game to me. I liked to play on his reactions. Life had become boring and predictable now.*

I remember trying to look really disheveled and awkward.
The girl from last night and the girl in front of him were 2 different people when it came down to me.
I should have just told him,.
'That it was just in the moment, a one time thing, that I would never do something like that again.' 
BUT- that would have been lies.

"There's just no point in anything anymore." I finally muttered; breaking the long silence.

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself last night?" 




BUT- here's some more titties...