Notes of a dirty young man and other stories January 14, 2015



Notes of a dirty young man and other stories

Like most men my age, 23, I have always enjoyed pornography.
I guess I began watching porn around the age of eleven. 
To begin with; it would be mostly pictures of women and perhaps the odd two to three minute clip.
As the internet began to have a much larger source of porn I would spend more and more time searching for a particular actress or scene that I would found appealing. 
Again, this is something I believe most teenage boys would do regularly. 
At the age of sixteen I discovered that there were a few websites where “amateur” girls would perform on webcam, which made it possible to interact with these girls very easily. 
At first; like I assume most guys do; I would merely be a guest jumping from room to room looking for the right thing to get off to. Generally, this would be a room with the most amount of viewers. The model was almost always starting or half way through a “show”. 

Seeing this for the first time was like striking gold for a young man. 
After all, these girls weren't far away, un-fathomable Los Angeles dream girls.
Most, if not all these girls, were the type you saw in the streets, on buses, trains or out shopping every day. Looking back now, I think this realness or at least its illusion of realness made the webcam experience much greater than the average thirty minute porn clip.

“We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-coloured uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls.
Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can.”   

^^Above is quote from one of my favorite authors. Although the theme of it is clearly around drug/alcohol excess- I feel the same message can be applied to most things in life including porn.
Especially, the line “once you get locked in a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can”. 
I think it’s true to say you could easily swap the word drug and porn without the quote losing much credence. 
In a way I suppose I was part of the first generation of teenagers who basically had unlimited access to as much sexual material they desired.

The following couple of months I was more than content with finding my choice of webcam girl and or porn clip with the seemingly endless supply that the internet was spitting out. 
However, the experience did seem to lose its allure after a while. Don’t get me wrong- I would still watch the clips and I would still watch the girls but the experience never felt complete. 
So in an attempt to enhance what was happening; I decided to register myself on a webcam website. By this time, nearly all the sites were free to register and no credit information need to be handed over and it gave me the chance to chat, make jokes and get a little more personal with the women I was watching on a regular basis.

As I started a new adventure into the interactive world of porn I began noticing a few things I hadn't ever really paid much attention to in past. 
For instance I noticed the actual conversation that occurred during a girl’s time on webcam had extreme opposites. The amount of people typing one or two letter demands always puzzled me; “TITS NOW” for instance. I could never understand why the guy on the other end of that keyboard even bothered to type. 
"Has that ever worked?" I would think to myself, and if so how often? AND- how would he even get off to a two second flash. 
Also the amount of random abuse that people who throw a perfectly nice girls always struck me a odd, were these my peers?  Did I fit into a group with these guys?

Time went by and I began attempting to chat with the cam girls.
Again, like most new guys, I bolted to the room with the top views. After I while I found this to be a real uninspiring experience; the most I usually hoped for was a "hi" response and maybe if I was lucky a smile at a joke I had made. 
In truth in the larger room it feels like being in a nightclub with two hundred guys and one girl, it’s almost a privilege to be acknowledged. 
I began realizing these larger rooms were not turning me on anymore, so I began to search out smaller rooms. I actually found that the girls in these room were just as sexy, just as playful and a lot more willing to talk to the average guy in there room. 

I had finally found my place in the cam world. 

I began staying in the same rooms more and more. Sometimes I would sign in and other times I would just watch as a guest. There was no set “type” of girl it ranged wildly from older women to 18 and 19 year olds' the one common denominator was I like to spend time in the company of that girl instead of feeling like a fool with a lottery ticket in his hand praying for a winner.

I don’t remember the exact date I decided to make the decision to pay for a cam show, 
although I remember being extremely nervous.
I was around 18;
and had now been using pornography for years. 
However this was different.
I was a paying customer.
Before I had freeloaded my way like most guys on the porn sites and the free sites. 
Now I was part of it all.
I remember almost shaking as I carefully typed in my details. 
All the time thinking what if this scam? 
What if I lose all my money? 
Will the bank see where I spend my cash?
After getting over all this I purchased my tokens and now I was free to spend. This really only creates another dilemma. After all I only have so many tokens, should I spend them all at once, save them for a particular girl or spread it all thinly and wisely? 

Well a fool and his tokens are easily parted.

From what I remember I think I blew them on all on the first pretty girl I saw and didn’t get much in return. This didn’t really put me off though- if anything it made me want more... and that’s exactly what I got.

I was in full time work and money was coming in nice and easy, I had enough to enjoy myself and one way I found I really did enjoy myself was on skype. 
I would always see guys asking for skype but never really considered doing it. 
One day I decided to take the plunge and buy a skype show from a cam girl.
Not really knowing how it all worked basically asked for a price and paid it. Again I had pushed it to another limit. 
This meant watching a cam girl in a public show was over for me.
The one on one was the only thing, other than professional porn, that I could enjoy anymore. 
At first I sampled every type of girl that on that particular day I had a thing for. And as most guys will know, or should know, picking girls at random and going straight to a show is a risky game. The amount of eastern Europeans from “London” either scamming you or doing some of the worst shows; it made me consider stopping all together. 
Then you’d have a show that would be really fun and sexy, which would drag you back into the cam world regardless of how many times you’d been burnt. 

One particular day I was searching through MFC (normally only look at the UK cams) and came across a picture of a blue haired girl named AmericanCass. I think my initial interest was I had always had a thing for American girls, especially the accent.
So, I went into the room... and saw Cassidy for the first time. 
Here was a slim beautiful girl, with a cute smile, blue hair and a personality that I rarely ever saw from a girl on cam. We talked a little while and I eventually asked if she did skype shows. Thankfully, she said yes, and we worked out a price and I added her. I can’t really explain why but this was the first girl where the conversation seemed like it could go on endlessly and we had only really just seen each other. 
I think I asked question after question that even she was like “we better start the show...”. 
We started and I said something like “wow I’d really like to have you” I was shocked when the reply was,
"Well you can you know..." 
At first I was like wait what did she say???. 
Then Cassidy explained what her job other than a cam girl was. I was even was more shocked to learn she lived less than an hour away from me. 
The thought stuck with me and we skyped another three or four times with Cassidy each time getting closer to arranging to meet.
Then she gave me her phone number.

The first call I made was properly no different than any guy’s first call to this type of thing full of nerves. I tried my best to act cool but inside I was so panicked. I had never considered using a prostitute before and here I was calling to arrange to meet. I’ll be honest I had to be shit face drunk to even have the nerve to call and when I did first call Cassidy was out with friends and asked if I could call another time. I then tried a second occasion and yet again I had missed my chance. 
Jesus, I thought to myself, why is this so hard to do? 
A third call and a third failure it was as though the gods were really against me. 
However it did not put me off. 
I knew I had to see this girl; no matter how many times it took me, and on the fourth time my persistence finally paid off.

I arranged to meet Cass at her in-call in Preston on a Sunday evening. This meant two train journeys and a lot of thinking time. On the way there I juggled with every scenario known to man. Would I be robbed?
Would I find the place?
What if I can’t perform? 
What if she doesn't like me?
What if say something stupid?
What If she hates me?
The all paced through my mind as sat on the train. The only things really putting me at ease, were Cassidy’s text messages throughout my journey. 
Here I was Preston, it’s late, and I have no idea where I am going. I leave the train station and make my way onto the streets. I call Cass and she gives me makeshift directions to meet her. 
I see her standing in the distance she looks more beautiful than on cam even in a casual clothes.
I’m struck by her natural beauty we hugged; then she guided me to her in-call.
I have to admit my nerves didn't ease in her in-call.
I didn’t know what to expect. What I found was a warm welcoming and caring girl. We soft kissed and held each other; all the time I know she could keep the tension in my body. 
She did her best to make me relax and after a while I became to feel more at ease. 
Our time together flew by.
It seemed like seconds from when we kissed to hugging goodbye and I made my way home feeling on top of the world. As I waited for my train my phone buzzed with a sweet message from Cassidy and I knew right there, that I had to see her again.

As Cassidy has already been over in previous entries, our time together grew.
It got to the point where two, three or even four hours wasn't enough. 
The hours with her felt like minutes and there was always disappointment on our faces as we went our separate ways. 
An overnight stay was the only option. 
We spent the day together laughing, talking, and lying in bed.
We ate good food and drank nice wine.
And as we locked eyes, everything seemed right with the world. 
What was going on in the world outside of that room didn't matter.
We had each other for that moment and it felt like it was never going to end.

I have now lost count of the number of times we have spent together. Yet, each occasion will throw up a special moment, something that I know we will forever treasure for a long time. 
I have now virtually given up using webcam sites.
What I am experiencing cannot be had over a thirty minute skype show, and I have never had a lover like Cassidy before.
It has become much more than just sex. 
To fall asleep in the arms of another person and to hold and kiss them in the night, well, there isn’t a greater feeling in the whole world. 

And the young man looked straight forward.
And he heard the other passengers speaking of other things,
or they were reading or trying to sleep.
And they hadn’t noticed the magic.
And the young man put his head to one side,
closed his eyes, and pretended to sleep.
Extract from Nirvana – Charles Bukowski

When I’m with Cassidy I become lost with myself and no one has had that effect on me before. In her line of work Cassidy will see all types of clients, but I feel like they don’t notice the magic within her and I can only pray that it never eludes me.