Mexico part 2 *Please read Part 1 first* November 7, 2014
You can find Mexico part 1 below this post.
MY XANAX iNDUCED YO LANDi HAiRCUT!
Please read Part 1 first.
You can find Mexico part 1 below this post.
I opened my eyes, only to blinded by the glare of sunlight streaming in against everything white.
I didn't remember seeing or hallucinating anything.
There's no way I could have fallen asleep with all that ibogaine in me... Right?
I sat up, no headache or hangover.
In fact, I felt good- hungry even.
I made my way out to the open plan kitchen and found Claudia making pancakes and fresh juice.
She told me I fell asleep right away.
She could see a look of disappointment on my face but re-assured we would do another flood soon.
She then went on to suggest that perhaps the ibogaine did exactly what it needed to.
Maybe, I needed a long, deep and relaxing sleep.
I filled my belly for the first time in days and even had the energy and motivation to walk to the beach.
I continued to fill my days listening to music, eating root bark and taking walks.
The night of my 2nd flood dose was a quiet, hot and humid night.
The air was thick and heavy and Mosquitoes sucked at my ankles.
The same routine was used as before; white room, candles, writing my goals and behaviors I want to change etc.
I didn't have the same 'give it everything you got' attitude I had the first time, but I was ready.
Really, I would never be ready and I did not expect what happened.
After laying down, the ibogaine kicked in fully.
I began seeing a story in the back of my eye lids.
I was lucid, yet I had little control of what I was seeing.
The images were colorful, but not bright or vivid.
The story was not a story, it was my life.
I began seeing it play out very dark and lonely.
I got scared.
Even though I knew the air was hot and thick; my skin felt cold and clammy.
I decided to open my eyes; the candles' shadow flickered tall along the walls.
The light dancing and moving, making the whole room feel like it was moving.
Even though, I was told not to try and stand or walk, I decided to pee and attempt to shake this dark cloud.
Claudia had told me, well actually- she aggressively asked me to wait for her to come in on one of her many check-ups for help.
She also made me promise to tell her if it started to get dark so we could guide it back.
But, I'm stubborn and don't listen and stood up to make my way to the bathroom.
Once on 2 feet the whole room began tilting.
Anytime I breathed it caused my vision to seem like the walls were breathing.
I used both hands to balance myself in the walls, but the flickering shadows made it hard.
By the time I made it to the bathroom; another candle-lit, flickering and moving room.
Peeing became impossible and the pep talk I planned went out the door.
As I made my way back among the flickering shadows, I reminded myself it was just a natural plant and to have faith.
I laid back down and took a break from the African drum music they have you listen to.
By the time Claudia had come in to check on me- I had come to terms with the idea that I was having a darker trip for a reason.
When she handed me more Ibogaine capsules, I was surprised my body even remembered to swallow.
She took my blood pressure and then let me be.
I attempt to write:
I can't remember everything.
It was a good few hours of various things.
I knew I had a lot more to work on.
I was due to go back to The States, but decided to stay longer.
Home had nothing for me anymore.
My parents didn't care enough about themselves to even care about me;
And people seemed satisfied with so little back home.
Claudia recommended me to Wanda, an older retired therapist who lived in our small village.
I was so open and willing for change.
At first, I really listened to Wanda and respected her, after all my way of living got me here.
But, when I opened up about my bi-sexuality; she told me it was a phase.
I instantly stopped and corrected her.
I even went as graphic as explaining the porn I like.
Which, by the way, is girl on girl strap on porn.
I tend to say vulgar and honest things to get reactions out of people, and being in therapy wasn't an exception.
Wanda was older and had her beliefs, I knew that and tried to remind myself.
But, I then felt uncomfortable or judged when talking about my line of work and enjoying it.
Technically I was no longer Claudia's patient and decided Wanda wasn't a great fit.
I got an amazing apartment with a beach view and a private pool, thanks to my sugar daddy at the time.
Claudia was traveling to conventions and speaking on behalf of the ibogaine community.
I was smoking weed, which is praised and experimenting with peyote.
Soon I started going to nearby villages on my own and met the wrong people, took Xanax and got drunk.
I didn't black out, but I was trying.
I didn't want to feel.
I was so frustrated that the alcohol wasn't doing what it was meant to.
I broke down, confessed to Claudia and she agreed to do another flood with me.
Third times a charm!
This time I attempted to write down everything once I took the Ibogaine:
September 26, 2012
I feel very good.
There are some things I feel uncertain about, so please show me the way.
I feel that I am very open and receptive to suggestions and recommendations, so I ask to make that stronger, so I can continue on this path.
Life is beautiful and there is so much potential in me and still so much I want to do.
I would like my motivation to abstain from alcohol to grow.
I would like happiness.
I would like freedom.
I would like to love myself.
I would like to remain in the present.
I'm starting to feel it.
Never ask why only how?
Be open, have your heart open.
See and make what you want your life to be.
Never give up.
Who are you?
What do you want?
....... What am I doing?
I'm pausing these question and intentions to just write right now.
Things are interesting in my head right now.
Maybe it's the weed I just smoked or the I phone kicking in, either way....
Fuck, a firework just went off outside and made me forget what I was writing.
Life is odd.
Chocolate is weird, but good.
High blood pressure and pulse.
Be honest with yourself.
My flood was incredible.
It was just what i needed.
Throughout it, I cried, I laughed and even hugged myself.
I spent the flood listening to every 'Explosions in the Sky' album, instead of the West African drum music.
I came out of the flood with this un-explainable and un conditional love for myself that I still have today.
I had clarity.
I was young, 21, it was unrealistic to never drink again.
Just for me to be more self-aware.
Instead of running away from my sexuality, I needed to embrace it.
I felt I was back on track.
I soon met Kyle, a fellow ibogaine patient.
He was heavily tattooed and could maintain an intelligent conversation.
When we first met we were both on this health and juice kick.
He grew weed outside and juiced a variety of fruits and vegetables.
We soon started partying though;
We would get vials of liquid ketamine from Mexican Veterinarians and Xanax from the pharmacy.
Kyle had an incredible house overlooking the ocean; it was a rich persons' vacation home.
His family was very well off and Kyle was blessed his family cared.
The ibogaine community began politely asking us to stay away from the other clients.
His house was on the outskirts of the village, yet we did see some people around.
Claudia asked us to leave and we decided to go across Mexico.
To be fair, the ibogaine community had every right to be mad.
They embraced me and gave me ibogaine; and I turned around and did DMT and peyote with some of their clients.
All the while saying, 'it's cool, I love myself now.' Haha.
Kyle and I went all the way to Palenque for the Rainbow Gathering.
December 21, 2012 was coming up and even though we didn't think the world would end- we knew it would be a sight.
And a sight it was.
There were naked hippies, clothed hippies, hippies with their children and... Hippies.
I consider myself a hippie at heart.
My godfather was Abbie Hoffman, an activist from the 1960's to 1980's, he even passed away at my house.
Hell, I had spent months in Mexico with those Ibogaine hippies; but even this was too much.
I had never been to a 'Rainbow Gathering' before, but I expected bands performing and alcohol.
Instead, there were off- beat drum circles and signs asking you not to bring drugs and alcohol here and definitely not to sell anything.
MY FUCKED UP KNEE.
Kyle was a drug addict and always had a nice selection of drugs on him.
We had planned on trying to trade peyote for LSD or DMT.
We stayed in our tent for a few days; getting fucked up and walking around.
There was naked yoga in the field various times throughout the day, people and children constantly swimming naked in the stream and the line of hippies waiting for the next van to town.Kyle and I spoke to some people who also didn't think the world was going to end; and people who actually quit their job and spent their last penny getting there.
Kyle and I tried hard to insert ourselves in conversations and make. Friends but we didn't fit in.
We left the morning of December 21, 2012.
I'm glad I wasn't there when all those jobless people realized they were fucked.
Actually, that would have been pretty funny.
The first thing we did after the 45 minute drive back into town was eat a cheeseburger from Burger King.
Then Kyle got robbed in Mexico City (D.F.) at gunpoint, so we decided 'Fuck Mexico.'
It was the straw that broke the camels back, so to speak.
Mexico was hot, violent and drug riddled.
Kyle offered me a place to stay in Canada.
I had nothing else planned, so why the fuck not?!