HOW DO I DO IT? // CATCHING FEELINGS May 3, 2016
You probably wonder, 'HOW DO I DO IT?'
How do I sleep with these guys; some that are fat, some that are old and some that you would think I have absolutely nothing in common with.
At first glance, most of these men would appear to be un-deserving.
But, truthfully, they're all really beautiful to me.
I know that probably sounds cheesy, or that I'm just saying it... but it's true.
Any time someone knocks on that door, my heart skips a beat.
'What if we have nothing in common?'
My heart begins to pound as my thoughts race around in my head.
'What if I stumble over all my words?'
'What is they're weird?'
But, that hasn't happened yet.
Everyone I've met, I've ended up finding something I have in common with.
I'll meet someone that I would have normally passed on the street and rolled my eyes at; yet in this intimate lighting and situation, I'll yearn to know more about them.
It could be somebody who is much older than myself, who lives a completely different life, yet we like a lot of the same things.
Whether the common interest we share is something small like music or T.V. shows; or something deeper, like the meaning the life.
Either way, it makes the intimacy different.
It doesn't feel forced or coerced... it feels real.
It feels like I'm actually bonding and learning from this person.
This person who leads a completely different life than I do.
What's even more beautiful is that I can see they feel it too.
Just like myself, they didn't expect they would find all this common ground with a 'hooker'.
I don't know what men expect when they go to see a lady of my profession, but I think I have an idea.
Ultimately, I believe men want a woman who will not judge them; physically or emotionally.
I also think each one of them wants to feel needed, wanted and above all loved.
However, I don't think they are concious of these desires.
They probably find an escort profile, a girl who appears to suit all their wants and needs, and they assume she will open her legs and they will find what they are looking for.
Unfortunately, most girls in my profession prey on men like that.
Men who have this distorted view of sex, whether it's from a childhood incident or from watching pornography.
Once they have tasted her, they want more and more.
They don't even realize they want to cum all over her tits or in her mouth, until she asks if they want to.
"20 extra pounds to cum in mouth baby! And ohhh I want it so bad!" She'll moan. Tugging at the bed sheets as if she can't take not having your cum gurgling in her mouth.
And you believe her,
...So you eagerly find an extra 20 pounds from the bottom of your pants pocket, or the money you had set aside for food later, and you hand it to her just as the cum drips out; the first drops already landing on her tongue.
Her head held back, eyes squeezed tightly shut so that no cum gets in her sight, her mouth open and tongue searching in the air for a drop.
Every guy looks down at her face and thinks, "Fuck... this girl really wants my cum... it's like she needs it!"
Before you know it, your drained of all the cum in your body and all the money in your wallet.
Sure, that moment of ecstasy was great... but in reality you were just taken advantage of.
And sure... in one way or another both parties are taking advantage of each other, regardless of the circumstances.
But FUCKKKKK! I would NEVER let a guy cum in my mouth for one, (it's just not my thing) and secondly. even if I did allow it, I would never manipulate the moment like that.
I don't want a guy to look down at me, thinking I'm begging for something that is un-realistic.
I want it all to be REAL.
Instead of begging for extra money on where to cum on my body, I'm begging for passionate kisses and for them to go slower so I can feel everything.
I don't know....
Maybe it's that I only do one sexual meet on the days that I work.
My last room-mate, who was also an escort, would see as many guys as she could a day.
If it was three, it was three. If it was ten, it was ten.
Even if my body would physically let me do that, I don't think I would.
When I get to have sex, it's just that one time for that day and I want to cum just as much as they do!
Lately I have had so many regulars coming back on a frequent basis, which just shows me that they feel the connection I feel.
For instance, I had this young guy named Martin who booked me for the first time a while back.
Martin is my age, 23, has a great sense of humour, stable job, and best of all extremely nice and caring.
BUT... Martin didn't cum on our first meet.
I tried not to take it personally, although it's hard NOT to.
I decided it was due to his stamina and young age; since most of my clients are aged 40 or older.
At least that's what I told myself, because I didn't want it to be that he wasn't turned on by me.
After Martin left our hour and a half booking, he texted me soon after.
"Hey Cass. Just a text to say thanks for tonight, I really enjoyed it, I'm already shattered from our workout, ha. I'll be in touch soon to arrange something else. Thanks again! :) xx"
Two days later he booked me for 2 hours.
Once again, he failed to ejaculate.
It was hard not to take it personally that time.
I felt maybe that he just liked the American part of me, and was actually turned off by everything else, like my body hair.
As some of my clients are like this; they focus on one aspect of my look that they really like and tune out the others.
I brought it up to him as we were getting dressed to part ways, once again.
"You know..." I began. "You don't have to keep coming to see me if you don't want to."
"What? What do you mean? I like seeing you." He replied, with a confused look on his face.
"It's just.... It's just that you haven't cum yet. And you told me that you're able to cum when you jerk off, and that you've had sex with other girls... so I feel like you must not be attracted to me. - Which is totally fine! I just don't want you to feel stuck is all..." I wasn't ashamed. It didn't matter if he found me attractive or not. Plenty of men did, and most importantly- I find myself to be beautiful.
"You're crazy! I'm so into you! To be honest... I'm just nervous."
"What?! Why?! You have nothing to be nervous about!" I re-assured him, shocked of his reasoning.
"Yes I do! You're so pretty and smart, and have been through so much. We're the same age yet I feel like I haven't done even a quarter of the stuff you have. Not to mention, I always want to make sure you cum and then by then I guess I psych myself out. It's actually a lot of pressure!" He laughs nervously.
I was so touched. I actually felt myself getting choked up.
But then all of a sudden I was annoyed.
"Please don't feel like you need to please me first! If you feel like you can cum, then cum! Don't hold it back for me! I would much rather you cum too soon, then not at all. At least then I would be saying to myself, 'damn, my pussy is so good I made him cum in a second!' It's actually a compliment! Instead I end up thinking, 'What the fuck is wrong with my pussy?' I mean if we were dating for a while, then yeah I'd want you to hold back to make me cum. But babe, this is what you are paying me for! I want you to cum! And I get turned on when I can feel you cumming and knowing your releasing yourself!" I blurted out, hoping it would make a difference somehow.
"I understand. And, I'm sorry that I made you feel that something was wrong with you. It's the complete opposite! I can't stop thinking about you! I've actually been thinking about booking an overnight with you, but didn't know if you would be up for that...." He shyly asked.
"OF COURSE I WOULD BABE!!"
It makes me nervous when these young guys spend all this money on me in a short amount of time.
I don't understand how they have so much, when their so young.
The last time this happened to me, the guy kept booking and booking until I asked him if he wanted to come to a mutual financial arrangement- to save him some money, but he refused saying it wasn't a big deal and that he could afford it.
I kept asking him if he was blowing through some sort of savings but he always dismissed my accusations.
Until one day... he called me, black out drunk, crying and telling me he was broke.
I cried for him.
I felt like I had rinsed him in some way, and that it was all my fault.
That I shouldn't have listened to him, and instead followed my own intuition and should have started only taking half of his money each time.
Drunk and crying, he begged me to see him for free, but there was NO WAY!
I couldn't afford to do that, but I told him that he would never have to pay full price again.
At that point, he had already given me a total of 8,000 pounds over the past 2 months!
To this day, him and I are still super close and actually good friends... even lovers.
Which is why when it came to Martin, I was not going to let the same thing happen like last time.
When he left, I started texting him with my concerns.
'Are you sure you can afford to do this?' I texted. 'Because if you can't, please tell me! Don't try and be the hero! I can do the overnight for 1,000 pounds instead of 1,300 since you have seen me a few times already- o.k. babe?'
'O.K.' he replied. 'But, you really don't need to worry, I can afford it.'
It was too late, I was already worried and didn't want to be that type of girl.
I would much rather see a guy I really get along with for 1,000 pounds then see some random guy who I've never met and don't know how he will act for 1,300 pounds.
I planned for our overnight, coming up with different activities to do to make SURE he would cum this time!
I would do a couple strip-teases and lap dances, followed by some slow oral and then doing every position he ever wanted to try, (even the ones that just look good in porn, but don't actually feel good).
It's important to me that guys understand porn is not real life sex.
I'll always let them try any crazy position they have seen, just so they can feel that it doesn't actually feel good.
I then go on to explain that what they have been watching in porn just looks good and it's all fake; (you think they would know that...).
Once we get all their porn fantasies out of the way, then I show them what actually feels good!
Telling them to move their hips in circle motions.
Explaining not to rub directly on the clit as it's too sensitive, and instead rub right underneath it or next to it.
I'll compare the feeling of rubbing right on my clit to jerking their dick off after they have cum.
It makes their legs shake and knees go wobbly because the head of their dick is super sensitive after they ejaculate.
It's the same for a girls clit.
I know when a guy goes right on my clit it makes me spasm, but not in a good way, in an uncomfortable way.
However, have them go right underneath it... and the flood gates are released.
When Martin arrived for the overnight, he seemed even more nervous then ever!
I assumed as more meets happened, it would get easier and easier for him to relax.
But maybe my 'I'M GONNA MAKE YOU CUM TONIGHT!' texts were making it worse.
Since we had 12 hours in our date, I decided to sit down and watch a movie so that we could cuddle, snack and relax.
I nestled into him as I smoked spliff after spliff, getting more and more relaxed; while Martin was getting more and more tense as I caressed him with my fingers.
It was like he had never cuddled before, which I found incredibly cute.
He struggled to intertwine our fingers together and hold hands.
And, when I laid my head in his lap he just kept getting tangled up in my hair.
I kept re-adjusting my position to find a spot that he was relaxed and comofrtable in, but it didn't work.
I wondered if maybe all the anticipation of the night ahead had him incredibly tense, so I decided to cut the movie short.
I took the remote and switched off the TV without giving him any warning.
"What are you doing?" He asked as the room engulfed in darkness, no longer having the 60" TV to shed light on our nervous faces.
Taking advantage of the growing darkness, I leaned in attempting to get my face right up to his, whispering, "I'm hoping to do you!"
I was hoping the darkness would have a mysterious and sexy effect, but it just caused more complications!
We banged our foreheads together before being able to even kiss!
When our lips finally locked, our tongues awkwardly trying to find a consistent rhythm together, I took my hand down to his upper leg, or what I thought was his upper leg.
After a minute of stroking I became aware that I was stroking a pillow that was next to his leg!
Nothing was going how I wanted it to.
I jumped up off the couch, my eyes now fully adjusted to the dark and the little bit of pink light coming from the 'date room' calling me in.
I grabbed his hand and without warning, I yanked him up and off the couch!
"WOAH! What... - "
"Shhhh!!!" I interrupted. "Just come with me."
Before he arrived I had set my date room up to have all my sexy clothing out in boxes on the floor.
"Pick any 6 outfits you want me to wear." I demanded.
"Why?" He asked.
"Because I'm going to give you 6 completely different lap dances and stripteases."
His eyes lit up.
My plan was to have his dick already throbbing by the time we laid in bed together.
I was NOT letting him leave without cumming this time.
I assumed he would have no problem picking out 6 different outfits but I overwhelmed him by giving him way too much to choose from!
He just stared at the piles of clothes, not knowing what to choose or even what to do with the piles of bras, panties and stockings and hold ups.
I helped him choose some matching outfits and some mix-matched ones.
After putting on some sexy music, I excused myself from the room and changed right outside the closed door.
When I came back in I tried to keep a sexy straight face as he sat in my desk chair, his eyes darting all over my body.
It took everything in me not to nervously giggle or laugh, which is just part of personality- but I didn't want him to think me laughing was because of him!
In my mind I planned on doing 6 very different strip teases but in reality they were all pretty much the same.
The great thing was by the time I put him on the bed, his dick had its own pulse.
It was the first time he came with me.
As we laid there out of breath and exhausted, I leaned over to light my spliff I had put to the side.
There is nothing like smoking after sex.
I caught a glimpse of his smile which made me smile.
All his nerves seemed to have disappeared and a new man was in front of me.
I had him carry the TV from the living room into my date room so we could remain naked and intertwined in each other under the cover as we watched more sci-fi (which is both of our preferred genres).
All of a sudden it was morning and I was awoken to the sound of him getting out of bed.
"Hey! Where are you going?! Come back to bed!" I sleepily commanded as I rubbed the warm spot on the bed he had left.
"I over slept, plus my time is technically up." He answered.
"Oh- come on! You know I don't care about that! Just get your butt back in here and cuddle me!"
"I wish I could... but I'm late for work now."
"What time did I fall asleep?" I asked. "I don't even remember closing my eyes."
"I don't either to be honest. We must have fallen asleep at the same time." He replied, all the while looking down at his feet.
The old Martin was back.
He was shy, nervous and withdrawn.
I honestly did just want to cuddle but he already had his shoes on and reaching for his coat.
I tiredly stretched, sat up, wrapped the blankets around my naked body and got up to walk him out.
"I had a really great time last night!" I exclaimed as I lead him to the front door.
I kissed him goodbye but it was as if he could not get out the door quick enough.
As I closed the door behind him, I was left with my thoughts.
'What did I do wrong this time?'
'He seemed so different after sex last night compared to this morning. Maybe I did fall asleep way before him and he was annoyed I was sleeping when he was paying me."
My thoughts raced and raced, doubting everything I knew to be right and true.
I knew we had a great time last night.
I came about 4 different times, and they were all real orgasms.
(I rarely ever fake an orgasm. Even if the guy isn't fucking me right, I WILL get myself off.)
As we laid in bed last night, exhausted and into our sci-fi, he kept stroking my hands, thighs and everywhere else.
It felt like he genuinely wanted to be there and was enjoying himself, so why the sudden change?
My over analytical thoughts were interrupted by a text from Martin, which I was not expecting.
'Cass :) that was one of the best nights I've had in a long time so thanks for that. Happy that I finally came ;) was great to spend the night, you're rather cute when your sleeping btw (don't take that in a creepy way) if I can and if you are up for it..I'd be good to do another over night in a few weeks, if you're not busy. Again, thank you so much for last night, that ice cream you have is amazing-- totally going out and finding some today! xx'
'You have no idea what a relief that is to hear! It seemed like you had something on your mind early last night and again this morning- which had me concerned that it was me. I feel like I have a really good connection with you, so I'm sorry if I revealed to much about me last night and if that freaked you out. I really hope I didn't disappoint you, I rarely meet clients who turn into 'friends' and I feel that way with you. Just know that I'm always here to talk if you need someone.'
'I honestly can't say there is anything wrong with me. I enjoyed seeing you again, it could have been nerves- I was nervous seeing you for some reason. Don't worry about the opening up I think you're an insanely interesting person and as I said we all have our pasts and it makes us who we are now and it's great you have the determination to become a writer cause I'd buy your memoirs! I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same feeling of being that comfortable around someone since I'm usually a very anxious/ nervous/ reserved guy so being able to talk to you is brilliant! xxx'
'Awww! Your the cutest! You just made me smile so hard! I'm definitely down to do another over night in a few weeks but please don't book that long if you can't afford it! We can always come up with a good price that works for both of us!'
'I can afford it, please don't worry about that! Cass, see if I was to say that I was more than attracted to you in a physical way would that cause a problem/make things weird for you? I'm only saying this since you probably already know since I'm crap at not showing that type of thing xx'
*Getting a message like this is probably the biggest compliment a girl can get in my line of work. Martin, like most of my clients paid me for a GFE service. (Girl Friend Experience). I consider GFE to be my speciality and I often find myself in these type of scenarios.*
It took me a while to word and re-word a reply text until I felt I had the right response.
In no way was it my intention to have him fall for me or catch feelings, however, he did pay me to act infatuated. And, even though I'm mainly acting with clients like Martin, there is a still a real connection and relationship. It just isn't what he thinks it is. Over time, even short time, I can't help but form an attachment, care for him or even just check in with him. I do all of those things because I have gotten to know and care for him. But... to him, it seems like I've caught feelings. I open up with all my clients about my own past, personal issues and even moral dilemmas I seem to be facing at the time. I'm just an open person though- and this can be mis-leading to many. They see and hear me opening up and assume I have not shared my feelings with anyone else, when in reality, I have. They think they are special and different, when I'm just doing MY JOB.
'You say your crap at hiding your emotions, yet I had NO idea you felt that way!! It's so hard Martin because I definitely feel a great connection with you, but I am in no way ready for any sort of relationship. It just wouldn't be fair to you while I am living my current lifestyle. However, even if I was ready, I would still have to keep our relationship where it is now. I don't know what my future plans are, or even when I plan on settling down so I would feel nothing but guilt. BUT- if I ever change my mind or know any cute girls who want a date, then I know exactly how to find a cute, sweet, kind and extremely skilled boy! hehe xx'
(The first part of the text is to make sure he knows there is no chance of a relationship between us at this time in our lives. The last little bit is to re-assure him that he is perfect boyfriend material, maybe not for me, but for someone else.)
'I understand completely Cass! I just didn't know how to tell you, and I figured it was worth a shot! I definitely still want to keep seeing you, even if it is just business. Just know I'll always be here xx'
Sometimes I wonder if I should tone down the flirting or perhaps keep personal stuff to myself, and not open up to clients as much as I do. I would definitely avoid clients falling for me that way. Yet, on the other hand, I genuinely mean everything I do and say and absolutely hate the idea of having to dial myself down to avoid romantic conflicts. It's not my fault that in the moment they forget that they hired a hooker for sex. In reality it just means I'm REALLY good at my job!
Martin is still a regular client of mine, and we have come to a price negotiation. We actually even hang out normally now, and go to movies, shopping and dinner etc. He is someone I consider a close friend. He now realizes there is no chance of us being romantically involved; yet he says he cherishes our friendship more than anything.