PROBLEMATIK

PRODUCTIONS

   

August 22, 2017

The following is a statement in regards to the accusations and allegations made towards me that have been publicly going on on Instagram. I want to be clear that this is the last and only time I will talk about any of this, as I am moving forward in my life. There have been rumors circulating that I am racist, transphobic and homophobic, as well as concerns regarding the takeover models. I will not be pointing or singling anybody out, as that goes against my character and what I stand for. I could never in my right mind publicly shame, attack, harass or bully someone, and I refuse to do that. Especially when I know people, especially those in our community, suffer from mental health and trauma in their past. The last thing I want to do is cause someone more pain, hate, anger, sadness and grief. At first I began to defend myself online, but no matter what I said or did, even when people demanded it, I was harassed and saw others being harassed within the comments. I do not condone hate or violence whatsoever. My anxiety was at an all time high and my PTSD was triggered, bringing me back to the days in middle school and high school when I was in and out of institutions for my mental health, which then led to a lot of bullying. I could care less if you try and say I am playing the victim because I am not a victim, I am a survivor. And this is my truth and my story.

When I saw that someone had made an Instagram dedicated to hating me with a profile picture of my face that they had drawn all over, as well as a podcast, I felt pressured into making some sort of response or apology. When I made the apology video, I knew the words coming out of my mouth felt forced and insincere, yet I felt pressured into making some sort of statement ASAP. I could see how people thought I was being biased when it came to the takeover models, and how no women of color were being represented. This was something I had been aware of and concerned about prior to this. When we first decided to do take over models, we agreed that the fairest way was to do it in a first come first serve order. That way we weren't being selective or biased and had a system in place to keep things fair - regardless of followers, body type, skin color, gender identity, looks, etc. We simply scheduled models in the order of how we received requests. The takeovers have been going on for under two months, and it just happened to be majority of white women/femmes who had requested first.

I take full responsibility for the lack of diversity shown within Problematik Productions up to this point. I apologize that I did not take a more active role when it came to the takeover scheduling, and that I had let someone else do all the VIP takeover schedules. I designed Problematik with the intention of creating a platform that is inclusive of all races, body types, and genders, and I’m disappointed that that has not been what has been portrayed within our first few months as a company. I assure you that this will change, and I can’t wait to show you all the amazingly diverse and beautiful talent we are going to have working with us. When we scheduled the takeover models, every model knew that Problematik was a new company, and that we were barely off the ground, so in exchange for doing a takeover we agreed to give them as much exposure and publicity as possible. This was discussed with every model long before they agreed to do a takeover. They also knew that our members had already paid us and therefore were more likely to pay them for their own content or VIP membership, however this was not guaranteed. I wasn't planning on doing takeovers so soon, but so many people were reaching out, so I figured let's do a trial period and see how it goes. And this has definitely been a trial period as well as a learning experience! I was really pleased to learn that some takeover models profited greatly off their takeover, but disheartened to learn that others did not. I personally have done dozens of takeovers for bigger companies, mainly for exposure and promotional purposes, and I remember profiting off some and not at all from others. So I know what that feeling is like to put your heart and energy into something, only to have it not pay off. I know that feeling of being on webcam for 4 hours and not making a dime, and it’s a terrible experience! It saddens me that some takeover models truly believe I did this for exploitative purposes, when I know my intentions were pure and wanted to help them in any way I could. After concerns were voiced, I listened and felt that there were very valid points being made. After all, I don't want to be like every other company, I want to be the one giving more profit and rights to models- that has been my goal from the very start! And I will never give up on working towards achieving that goal! I went back and reached out to every single takeover model from July and August, and offered them 20$ per take-over. Now, I know that may not seem like much, but it adds up quick, which is why it was all I could offer. After the end of August we will no longer be doing takeovers for a few months, and start saving money so we can pay each model much more per model in the future. However, this will limit us to only 3 or 4 takeover models per month.The benefit of less takeovers though, is that I can really really hype and promote them! After asking our paying members their thoughts on this; the majority of our subscribers agreed that they would prefer to only have 3 or 4 takeover models a month, instead of 10-14. I wish I could offer more money to all the models who have already done takeovers, but as I said, this is a brand new company and we have a lot of expenses - equipment, lawyer fees, copyright fees (so if someone steals your content you can sue them) and more. I know a lot of you said you want to continue doing takeovers, and that it's not about the money, but I would prefer to remain as fair as possible.

A concern has been voiced about the takeovers regarding consent and saving content. I had originally intended to save some of the snaps from takeovers, make a compilation for Twitter, have the model approve the video, and use that as another marketing tool to promote the models. Every takeover model had the choice of being on Twitter or not. Some of those compilations, that have been approved by the models, still exist on the Problematik Twitter. Other than that, I have zero content saved from any takeovers. None. Point blank. I would never, under any circumstance, post or save any content whatsoever without the model’s express consent. Period. In regards to the “day passes” that have been brought up, yes this was an idea voiced in reference to takeovers. VIP Takeover femmes would be able to sell day passes to their takeovers to their followers and receive all the money. It was a way to add income to the models for their takeover. I NEVER discussed selling passes to past content or to rebroadcast takeovers. That defeats the sole purpose of Snapchat! This was, and still is, going to be considered as an option when we started takeovers back up again in a few months. Consent is the number one concern of any sex worker and I would not ever violate that.

know that I am not racist, transphobic or homophobic, and the people closest to me know that as well. I was raised to be extremely open minded and grew in a town that is a celebrated LGBTQIA+ destination. I love the town I live in and how free spirited everyone is. Abbie Hoffman died at my farm and his life was a huge influence on me growing up, his closest friends and relatives have strongly influenced me, and my godmother today was Abbie's wife. She has instilled upon me some of the most important life lessons I have ever received. I'm at a point in my life where I have done a lot of growing, soul-searching and have overcome a lot; it's important that I surround myself with positive people. At times I have had to distance myself from negative people, and am still working on in person confrontation.

In all of the allegations against me, I have yet to see proof of me bullying or attacking anyone, or saying anything derogatory. While I don’t mean to belittle claims of abuse against women and femmes (especially since that is a huge problem within our society), I am simply stating that these rumors are out of control with nothing backing them up. Proof of these claims simply does not exist because I am not that person. I have heard rumors that I have an escort ad up where I say I don't see African Americans; yet I haven't used advertisements for a while now, since I get all my clientele through social media and my own website. When asked to see what advertisement these people were referring to, they never showed proof. (If you have seen these, please send them to me! I would hate for anyone to be responding to fake ads from someone pretending to be me!!!) I also have no way of knowing what someone’s race is when they contact me, as they contact me through email and I never ask what someone looks like. I see anybody as long as they are kind and respectful. Those are my only requirements. Period.

There is a lot of hate in the world right now - there always has been and it is getting worse and worse by the day. We, as a marginalized community of both femmes and sex workers, need to be banding together instead of splitting apart. Femme on femme hate is not what we should be doing, we should be working to empower each other and learn from each other. Calling people out IS important, but so is acknowledging that growth, change, and education are all possible through communication. We aren’t going to become better people and learn from each other by fighting within Instagram comments, we are going to do this through rational one on one disagreements and conversations.

I know that one point that has been brought up has been my formerly minimal knowledge of the LGBTQIA+ community. As a queer woman I readily admit that this is true, and that I’m loving getting to educate myself every single day! Life is about learning and growing and changing - belittling about their lack of knowledge isn’t helpful, calling them out for the purpose of educating them is! It isn’t the job of POC or queer people to educate others but I am more thankful than I could ever express to those that HAVE taken the time to discuss these issues with me.

From the bottom of my heart, I thank everyone who has reached out with support, concerns, advice, anger, anything. As I stated in the beginning, this is the last time I will be publicly speaking about this. If you have any concerns, questions, or suggestions, please feel free to reach out to me one on one! This has been an awful time but I am so excited to move forward with this platform and turn it into the inclusive, diverse place I have always intended it to be! This company has been years in the making and I can’t wait to share it with all of you!

IRONY // cLIENT WITH AUTISM

          *QUICK NOTE* My older blog ( www.hookerproblemz.blogspot.com ) got deleted a few months ago for having "inappropriate content". It broke my heart because I only had my writing on my blog- not on my computer or a hard-drive. I was so worried I was going to lose all my writing and the photos in all of my entries. Luckily, I was able to internet archive all my past entries and transfer them onto here! It had just gotten 10 MILLION views when it got deleted as well :( Since then I have not felt inspired or motivated to write until now! I hope you all enjoy! *

         The other day something pretty ironic happened. I started to receive a flood of messages through Snapchat and Instagram, whether it was the same person on multiple accounts; or different people- I have no idea. Basically, I got a bunch of messages saying 'What you do is illegal in the United States, I won't stand for it. You're a horrible person, you are using people and manipulating them while stealing their money!' Which... I've never done. I'm being used just as much as I'm using somebody else. I don't even like to put it in terms that way, but since they kept saying the words 'used, using etc' I felt the best way to get through to them was to use their own words from my perspective.

      I'm not just gaining, they are gaining as well, it's a mutual understanding. Whether we come to a sexual agreement or they just want my company, it's mutually beneficial. Through these messages I began to get worried. In England, everything was fine- even great! I never felt paranoid and the few times I was involved with law enforcement, they were so kind and respectful and actually concerned for my safety. Coming back to America is a whole other story. I had only worked in America for a few months during the end of my addiction and I was very wreck less, un professional and had little regard for my well being. Whereas today, I've really changed; I'm extremely professional, I love my work, I'm always clear headed and I put myself and my health before anything else.
In the past I would get high when I worked and now I refuse to do anything; even if my clients bring me alcohol or weed (since I advertise I'm 420 friendly) I always turn it down. I don't mind or judge if my client wants to indulge in front of me... I just prefer to be clear headed and in the moment. Once the session has ended and we have gotten dressed and about to part ways, then I'll have a drink or take a few tokes on a spliff. However, it will be my own supply, since I never know if something can be laced or dangerous. I know girls who have been in horrible situations and have been tricked by people. They have snorted a line of ketamine thinking it was Cocaine, only to not be able to stand or walk.

        The reason I stopped working in the states, years ago, was because I was investigated and put on a list of known prostitutes, a 'black list'. I have previous entries where I talk about how I was investigated by the FBI and how I re-located to England. When I was investigated years ago, I didn't think it would effect anything; until I went to my usual hotel that I would always work from and handed over my ID to check in. Once she entered my info into the Hotel's computer, she informed me I was not allowed to check in. This became the case at all hotels in the area, and made it awkward since I now had to have my clients check in under their names. 

        This weighed heavy on my mind when returning back to America this summer. When I started receiving these threatening messages, I began to get even more nervous. Since I have returned, I have barely done any sessions. I have not had one domination session and have only met with 2 regulars who I met on previous trips back to the USA.

        These horrible messages made me realise I was sharing WAY too much on social media! Which is a shame, because I love being brutally honest and sharing my life... but, unfortunately I give out too much information and I show a lot of myself and my vulnerability; which I personally find beautiful and have yet to find anyone else in my line of work showing as much as I do about their lifestyle online, and in the capacity that I do. It was heartbreaking to get these messages and have to re evaluate my online presence.

        I had to take it upon myself to alter some things I share online. No more posting about escorting on snapchat, it's true that i'm in a country now where it's illegal. I have VIP snapchat where people have to pay to be a member, so I will only be talking about escorting on that account from now on. There I can show myself getting ready for the booking, being nervous, during the booking and how happy I am after the booking; and how silly I felt for being  nervous before hand! I can also show off more nudity and sex on that account as well. I decided to still show webcam life and domination sessions on my public snapchat, since it's not illegal and my domination sessions have no sex- AT ALL. From today's porn, most people think domination is sexual, but I rarely get naked, it's mainly verbal or physical humiliation. It's about denying that person pleasure and teasing them with the idea.
It was pretty ironic because just as I posted all of these new rules for myself on social media, and dealing with harassments from multiple accounts... I got a call from a potential new client, who I've never seen before. At first, he had emailed me explaining that he was Autistic  and he was very interested in seeing me. The email went as so;
 
Hello Mistress Cassidy!
I am an autistic person but I do most things for myself. I have a good sense of humor, and I love to talk to pretty girls, like my cousin Katie. I love my pets: a dog and two cats (a female and male who have both been fixed).
I was interested in several of your likes and offered services:
I liked it when you said that you love it when I can't keep my hands off of you, exploring your body and that you love making me cum, I think that is very sexy.
I love some things in your "nice list" like: french kissing, sex with protection, cumming as many times as possible. However, I am not into heavy submission or humiliation. Though you being in charge is a nice thought.
I am interested in arranging an in call session with you this Friday around 8:00 PM if possible.
Sincerely,
George

I found this email extremely endearing and very cute! I was instantly intrigued and really hoped  George and I would be able to meet! 

I replied to George asking him to call me. Since escorting is very illegal here in America, I never discuss anything via email, text or even on the phone. Once I get a call from the potential client, I continue to be very vague and not discuss specific services or price. Instead I use words like, 'the donation for the hour is...'. Talking to them on the phone is more for my own peace of mind. I like to hear their voice, carefully listen to the words they choose and just their overall attitude. For instance, if the guy continues to ask extremely sexual questions or call me names, I will never ever, EVER see them. However, if they are polite, articulate, kind and even seem to have the appropriate amount of nervousness in their voice- I know they are someone to consider. I see anybody as long as they are kind and respectful.

 

So.... George calls.
   

         And, he sounded perfect! In fact, he didn't come off as autistic intellectually disabled AT ALL! We agreed to meet and picked a time and place that worked for us both . I asked him to confirm with me by text at 6:30 PM that we would still be meeting at 8 PM, which he did and we continued to text for a bit. I then asked if he had any specific outfit or makeup requests; he answered that he was 'partial to bikinis'.  I started to get very excited and fondly remembered my only other similar experience. I had a client, in the past, who was also intellectually disabled and had never been with a woman, yet watched a lot of porn and had some specific fantasies in mind! Now, I absolutely love nerdy boys who play video games and watch anime and I get really excited to give them the best sexual experience possible! I love to ask what type of porn gets them off the most, what positions they have always wanted to try, and teach them more about the female body. I had him touch certain areas and asked if he felt how it was wet, and if he felt it get more wet when he did this, or that. And when I took my hand away and let him explore on his own, I would tell him when it felt really good or not so good. It was such a beautiful experience and he voiced to me at the end how much it meant to him and how happy and grateful he was, which made me cry! He had never been held or cuddled and I was the big spoon, wrapping my arms around him and holding him and squeezing him while kissing the back of his neck. 

He had always wanted that. 

        I can't even imagine going my whole life without that feeling! I love to be held and cuddled! I love to feel sexy and desired by someone, and who doesn't?! The thought of never having that brought tears to my eyes! I wanted to give him that moment and show him what that felt like. So I was really excited about this booking and was hoping to have a similar positive experience. When I got closer to the area, all dressed up and driving over there, I updated my security and my good friend on my arrival time, the exact location address and more. I was running a bit behind, so I called my client to ask him if he would be able to check in for us and then text me the room number so I could just knock on.  I was also hoping to avoid checking in myself, in fear that I was still 'blacklisted'. 

      The same voice I had been talking to earlier answered the phone and said, "O.k., I just gave him a ride and we're here so we'll see you soon!" 

As soon as I heard the word 'we' I was taken aback.
 

"I was under the impression there was only one of you..." I replied.


       I don't do double bookings like that. I don't see two guys at once, never have, never will. I would never want to be in a situation where I felt like I could be overpowered or vulnerable.  Most likely because of my past. Some people might find it sexy but I find it un-settling and nerve wracking. The guy on the phone, who was not my client, began to explain that he had only just given him a ride and that he would drop him off and pick him up when we were done, since George didn't drive. I agreed but preferred to get the room myself once I was there and could actually decide if I wanted to do this booking or not. Once I hung up I started to realize that the man on the phone was most likely his father or brother or even a close friend. I had never been in a situation like this, so I texted my close friend to explain everything,

*SEE TEXT MESSAGES*

 

Since I was driving and rushing, I pressed send without realising I had just sent those messages to George,

NOT MY FRIEND. 
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.


I had just said how weird this was and that I was going to write about it!! He probably thinks I;m some undercover journalist or something now! Who knows what he's thinking! I pull off on the side of the road, freaking out, snap-chatting my freak-out and trying to message George apologising and explaining. 

 

image2.PNG

He answered with, "no problem."
I felt like such an ass-hole, so I called him, again.

"I'm sooo sorry about that! I'm 2 minutes away and when I get there I'll explain everything! I've just never been in a situation like this and was messaging my friend to explain my nerves!" I eagerly apologised. 


"It's no problem! Honestly I know it's a weird situation, we'll see you soon!" George's driver said.

I took a breath, tried to calm my nerves and looked myself in the mirror.


"You got this..." I told myself, giving myself a pep talk, as usual. "You're going to pull in, get out of the car and be that sexy, boss bitch you know you are. Their going to see you and forget all about those texts! YOU GOT THIS!"

     I do little pep talks all the time! I get nervous before every single booking, which is completely natural! If I wasn't nervous and completely confident, then somethings wrong. I should never be fully confident when going to meet a stranger! 

      I had them meet me at a hotel I used to work at in the past, which I knew rented rooms out for 3 hours, 5 hours etc for truck drivers who are driving for hours and need to nap for a bit. When I pulled in, I found the hotel fully boarded up and closed for good! Which was no surprise, considering it was a popular hotel for working girls. I saw one car parked there anyway, and knew it was them. I pulled up alongside their car, and found George in the passenger seat and his father in the driver seat. 

"Hey! I didn't realize it was shut down! Follow me to the hotel next door!" I shouted out over the sounds of highway traffic. 

       They followed me to the next hotel, and there was no shortage of these sleazy motels. We were on a strip of highway filled with roach motels, average hotels and nice hotels. 
As I pulled in,  2 cop cars pulled in right behind us, I try not to freak out as I also see a group of young sexy guys hanging in the parking lot- right where we park. George and his father jump out of their car and we hug and greet each other in the parking lot. All eyes are on us and I can hear the group of guys laughing as I greet George. 


        George is bigger than I, flushed red in the cheeks, dripping in sweat and has a long ponytail that goes well beyond his shoulders. His father is of similar size and stature and I can only imagine what the group of guys are thinking! They probably think I'm going to get fucked by the both of them, at the same time! I turned to his father, who had already introduced himself to me as the father, and began apologizing and explaining my text mis-hap again.

"Honestly, don't worry about it!" He waved his hand to dismiss my apology. "We're not new to this at all. In fact, when you were emailing and texting earlier- that was my wife. We want George to be happy and experience normal things and have social interaction. I know it's weird, but the whole family is part of the decision. I actually dropped my wife off at the diner across the street and we'll just hang out and wait until your both done. He's got enough money to cover everything as well."  

       I instantly teared up and was taken aback at the kindness and open-mindedness of this family. Since all eyes were on us and I could not see where the cops had gone, I decided it was best to cut our introductions short and get checked in.


"I know this isn't the best area but it's cheap.. and since were only meeting for one hour it's pointless to get a really nice room, you know? I don't know if you noticed the cops pulling in... so just to be on the safe side why don't you both wait in your car while I check in and go to the room. Once I'm in the room I can text you the room number. This way we don't look out of place." I explained.


"O.k.! We're not worried about the cops too much , I'm sure there's much more shady characters here than us!" George's father joked.

"Exactly!" I laughed along.


       George let his father take the lead and patiently stood by watching me and looking me up and down with desire in his eyes.


      As they got back in the car to wait, I started towards the reception office when I noticed the cops had gotten out of the car and were standing on the opposite side of parking lot to where we were parked. There were cops in uniform and undercover officers with bullet proof vests. I glanced over and quickly took my gaze away from them, and focused on the reception entrance.

                             My mind began to flood with paranoid thoughts.


     'What if they are here for me? What if they ran my license plate and then ran my name? What if definitely am still blacklisted? What if they don't let me check in?!' My mind raced and raced with every possible scenario.


        Entering the lobby, I'm faced with heavy fluorescent lighting, bullet proof glass surrounding the receptionist and multiple signs saying 'no soliciting'  and 'all inappropriate activity will be reported to the police'. I took a deep breath as I approached the desk and asked for a room for the evening. The woman behind the counter was clearly in a bad mood, yet I can only imagine the type of people she has to deal with on a daily and nightly basis. I decide to be overly polite and kind so that she would not deem me as 'suspicious'. When she asked me for my license, my heart dropped as I handed it over. She began typing in my information, all the while I am anticipating her to tell me I'm not allowed to check-in since I've been blacklisted.

But, that doesn't happen... Instead she hands me back my license and a paper to sign.


'It worked!' I squeal inside with excitement. As I walk back to my car I began to wonder, 'what if they allowed me to check-in, only to catch me in the act! What if she's notifying the police what room i'm in?!' All these thoughts racing around.


            As I approached my car I hear multiple heavy footsteps running; and when I turn around I see the cops running towards the hotel- clearly doing a raid. But, thankfully it didn't appear to be for me! They weren't even looking my way!


            I pulled my car around back, where my room was, and took my bag with sex toys and my bikini like outfit in hand. I could barely get the door open since I was shaking as I entered the card into the door slot. Once inside, I threw my bag down and took a look at the most depressing and run down room I had ever seen. Sure, I had stayed there countless amounts of time during my addiction; sometimes for weeks straight. Yet, I don't remember it looking THIS bad! I reminded myself that since then I have changed so much. Of course this room is going to look bad! I've been staying in 4 star hotels and luxury private apartments! But things had changed since I was back in America. Staying in a 4 star hotel for a one hour booking would look super suspicious! 

       I texted George the room number and began adjusting the lighting. All the lights in the room were fluorescent and I quickly regretted not bringing my coloured light-bulbs, like I usually do. I decided to turn all the lights off except for the bathroom light, which allowed a small amount of light into the room. When a knock sounded at the door, I hesitated before looking through the key hole. 


'Please don't be the cops, please don't be the cops, please don't be the cops.' I quietly whispered under my breath.

          I was relieved to find a flushed red and sweaty George waiting on the other side. I opened the door and let him in. It was immediately awkward. Being autistic, his social skills were not the same as mine and he didn't greet me or say anything; instead he walked straight past me and over to the bed, where he sat down- just staring at me.

"Do you want something to drink?" I asked nervously, taking a sip from my own water bottle.

"Sure" He answered.

"O.k., let me go find the vending machines, do you want water, soda or juice?" I asked.

"Water is fine."
 

         Leaving behind my bag of toys and cellphone, to show that I trusted him, I began wandering the fluorescent filled hallways of the cheap motel. After hitting 3 dead ends and continuing to hear running footsteps, cop radios and various noises from the rooms I was walking by, I gave up and headed back to the room.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't find them!" I exclaimed as I came back into the room. "Here, let's share my bottle of water!" I offered as I poured half of it into a plastic cup in the room. 

"Thanks." said George.

      I sat down on the bed and we both silently took sips from our water. It was clear to me that George was not going to start or lead the conversation. That, was up to me.

"I love how involved your family is!" I started. "That's so beautiful and rare! You're super lucky!"
 

"I know." George answered simply and bluntly, all the while continuing to stare right at me.

"So..." I struggled to find something to say. "Your Dad said your not new to this, how many girls have you seen and when did you start?"


"About two years ago and I think I've seen 5 girls... well, 6 now that I'm here with you." 

"Aw yay!" Somehow, it made me feel oddly better knowing he had done this multiple times.

"Well, let's get the money out of the way and then I can change into my outfit!"
 

       George dug into his pockets and without counting, handed me over a wad of bills. I was only halfway through the money and had already counted out my cut. He had given me WAY too much. 


"You gave me too much babe! Here..." I handed him the rest of the money.

"Oh, sorry. I've never been good at counting." He shyly replied.


I instantly thought of every other girl he had seen. 'Did he give them too much also?' 'I bet they took it all and didn't tell him it was too much!'
 

       I excused myself into the bathroom to change, leaving the door open since it was the only source of light. I had asked him to remain lying on the bed and explained that I would undress him. It was somewhere between cute and awkward the way George would just stare at me without saying much. When I emerged back into the room, fully dressed in lingerie, I watched as his eyes darted all over my body and a bulge in his jean shorts begin to grow. His child like innocence was endearing to me. I crawled onto the bed and had him sit up as I took his shirt off, followed by his pants. Once he was left in his underwear, I began stroking the hair on his chest, and asking him more questions.

  
"Is there anything specific you always wanted to do?"
I asked.

"I've always wanted to drive a boat!" He answered and his eyes lit up.

        I couldn't help but smile and say "aww!". It was clear I was going to need to take a totally different approach than what I usually do. I dived right in and began kissing him on his mouth, neck and cheeks. He was a surprisingly good kisser! When I breathed hot air near his ear he told me he 'really liked that!'. I climbed on top of him, which was hard to do since I'm pretty petite and he was quite big. I didn't know if I should rest my hands on his chest, his stomach or grab his hands. I'm usually pretty confident and can take the lead in most situations, but this was just awkward. I began lightly grinding on his dick through his underwear while I slowly took my bikini top off. Thankfully I had put on some hip hop music that I could move to and that would also fill up the silence. I grabbed George's hands and led them to my tits and had him squeeze them. Once George was rock hard, I climbed off of him, stripped off his underwear and took him into my mouth. His breathing went deeper and quicker as I continued to work his shaft up to the tip of his dick. 

"You're really good at that!" He stuttered from the pleasure.


"Thank you babe!" I smiled up at him. I crawled back up on top of him and began kissing him again.


As I let him inside me he let out all sorts of pleasured moans. I continued guiding his hands on my body and asked him what positions he liked.

"Just you on top" He answered bluntly.

'Of course he does...' I thought to myself. What guy doesn't like the girl doing all the work? I mean... don't get me wrong.. I love being on top but I get tired very quickly. I rode him very slowly, as to make sure I would not tire out too quick. As I leaned forward to kiss him I grabbed his hands and led them to my ass and had him pull my cheeks apart. I told him to feel his dick going in and out and to feel him opening me up. 

When I did that... he came.

Like most guys, he became quite bashful and shy once he ejaculated. He tried to sit up to clean himself up, but I insisted on him laying down and letting me doing that. I ran and got a wet washcloth and gently washed him and cleaned him up. I collapsed onto the bed and rested my head onto his chest as we both laid there catching our breath. 

"You're really good!" I assured him.


"Thanks" he simply answers, continuing to stare up at the ceiling now, instead of me.
        I was curious about the other girls he had met. Were the all brunettes, blonde? I always tell my clients to try out a variety of different women. That's the fun in being able to explore and hire escorts! You can try everything out and learn exactly what you like and don't like; what turns you on and turns you off. I asked if he found a girl that he wanted to see multiple times and his answer made me tear up again.

"I always try and text them but they never text me back! I don't know... maybe they don't like me or think I'm cute. Maybe they don't like me because I'm autistic."
 

"Nooo!" I quickly comforted him. 'I'm sure they like you! Their just probably super busy! Who wouldn't like you?! You're such a good kisser!!"
 

"Thanks."
               After 10 minutes or so, he was able to get hard again and it was time for round two. This time I wanted to push some of his limits and explore things that weren't so 'normal' or 'vanilla'. I can only imagine that all the other girls were very basic in the services they provided him. Meaning basic kissing, basic oral, basic sex; nothing that exciting. I asked him if it was OK if I sat on his face and instructed him on exactly how I like to have my pussy eaten. His eyes lit up with excitement and I knew he was going to like this. Using the headboard to hold my weight, I lightly sat down on his face. Directing him to either just stick his tongue straight out while I moved my hips over his entire face; or directing him to spell the alphabet with his tongue. Once I felt he had conquered giving me oral, I moved back onto the bed. We also discovered he quite liked it when I spit into his mouth, grabbing his cheeks with my hands and pushing them together to force his lips to part for my spit. He surprisingly loved having his nipples played with and even when I applied pain to them he still seemed to enjoy it.

"Do you like pain?" I ask intriguingly.

"Yeah, I like to paint ceramics sometimes." George innocently answered.

I accidentally laughed out loud, but it was just too darn cute! The only sexual position he wanted to do, was me on top, so I climbed back on top of George. Since we had done a lot more foreplay in round 2, we barely started to have sex when he came again. We laid there again for a while; only this time... George was cuddling me! 

"You're so beautiful. I've never been with a girl as pretty as you! Do you like me?" George asked.

"Of course I do! How could I not?! You're a great kisser, super gentle and very kind! Have you ever been with a girl with colored hair or tattoos and piercings?"
 

"No, never, but I always wanted to."
 

"Well now you have!" I laughed.


         As we got changed and cleaned the room up, George began telling me how he's never been on a real date with a girl. I wanted him to have that experience and told him that if he ever wanted to meet again we could try and do a few hours so that we could go see a movie, go to dinner and then come back to the room for the naughty stuff. I could tell he really liked that idea. He called his parents to tell them he was ready to be picked up, so I sat on the bed and waited for him to leave first before I did.

      I still couldn't get over how amazing his family was, and how incredible this experience was. When George and I said goodbye he gave me the cutest goodbye kiss and squeezed me tight.
I took a moment before leaving, to reflect on how different this booking was compared to the last time I worked at this same exact motel. The irony of people telling me I was a horrible person due to my profession, yet I just helped this young man explore his sexuality in a healthy and empowering way.

FUCK ALL THOSE ASSHOLES!

I thought to myself, 'They don't know me! They don't know how much of myself I reveal to my clients, they have no idea how much I end up caring for everyone I meet. They think it's all an act when in reality it's the realest situation I've ever been in.'
 

     I don't know how to word it, but when I have clients like George, it makes me feel good about my job and myself. I feel like I'm doing a good service and giving them hope. No longer do they sit and masturbate about maybe one day, possibly being with a cute girl and exploring all their fantasies- it now becomes a reality. I want them to feel how I feel when someone looks at me from across the room with desire. When someone pulls me in close and squeezes me, when someone whispers in my ear, when someone makes me cum and when someone is just in the moment- with me. 

        As I got into my car, I received a text.
 

"Hello Cassidy, this is George's mother. I just wanted to thank you for everything. George has the biggest smile on his face and tells us that you were extremely gentle, kind and helped him learn much more! We can't thank you enough and I hope you will be willing to meet him again soon!" 
 

I smile to myself.

'This is why I love my job. This is why I don't care what people think or say about me- because I know the truth about who I am and how I treat others. This is why I'm a bad ass bitch.'

HOW DO I DO IT? // CATCHING FEELINGS May 3, 2016

You probably wonder, 'HOW DO I DO IT?'
How do I sleep with these guys; some that are fat, some that are old and some that you would think I have absolutely nothing in common with.
At first glance, most of these men would appear to be un-deserving.

But, truthfully, they're all really beautiful to me.
I know that probably sounds cheesy, or that I'm just saying it... but it's true.
Any time someone knocks on that door, my heart skips a beat.

'What if we have nothing in common?'
My heart begins to pound as my thoughts race around in my head.

'What if I stumble over all my words?'
'What is they're weird?'

But, that hasn't happened yet.
Everyone I've met, I've ended up finding something I have in common with.
I'll meet someone that I would have normally passed on the street and rolled my eyes at; yet in this intimate lighting and situation, I'll yearn to know more about them.
It could be somebody who is much older than myself, who lives a completely different life, yet we like a lot of the same things.
Whether the common interest we share is something small like music or T.V. shows; or something deeper, like the meaning the life.
Either way, it makes the intimacy different.
It doesn't feel forced or coerced... it feels real.
It feels like I'm actually bonding and learning from this person.
This person who leads a completely different life than I do.


What's even more beautiful is that I can see they feel it too.
Just like myself, they didn't expect they would find all this common ground with a 'hooker'.
I don't know what men expect when they go to see a lady of my profession, but I think I have an idea.
Ultimately, I believe men want a woman who will not judge them; physically or emotionally.
I also think each one of them wants to feel needed, wanted and above all loved.
However, I don't think they are concious of these desires.
They probably find an escort profile, a girl who appears to suit all their wants and needs, and they assume she will open her legs and they will find what they are looking for.
Unfortunately, most girls in my profession prey on men like that.
Men who have this distorted view of sex, whether it's from a childhood incident or from watching pornography.
Once they have tasted her, they want more and more.
They don't even realize they want to cum all over her tits or in her mouth, until she asks if they want to.
"20 extra pounds to cum in mouth baby! And ohhh I want it so bad!" She'll moan. Tugging at the bed sheets as if she can't take not having your cum gurgling in her mouth.

And you believe her,
...So you eagerly find an extra 20 pounds from the bottom of your pants pocket, or the money you had set aside for food later, and you hand it to her just as the cum drips out; the first drops already landing on her tongue.
Her head held back, eyes squeezed tightly shut so that no cum gets in her sight, her mouth open and tongue searching in the air for a drop.

Every guy looks down at her face and thinks, "Fuck... this girl really wants my cum... it's like she needs it!"
Before you know it, your drained of all the cum in your body and all the money in your wallet.
Sure, that moment of ecstasy was great... but in reality you were just taken advantage of.

And sure... in one way or another both parties are taking advantage of each other, regardless of the circumstances.
But FUCKKKKK! I would NEVER let a guy cum in my mouth for one, (it's just not my thing) and secondly. even if I did allow it, I would never manipulate the moment like that.

I don't want a guy to look down at me, thinking I'm begging for something that is un-realistic.
I want it all to be REAL.
Instead of begging for extra money on where to cum on my body, I'm begging for passionate kisses and for them to go slower so I can feel everything.

I don't know....
Maybe it's that I only do one sexual meet on the days that I work.
My last room-mate, who was also an escort, would see as many guys as she could a day.
If it was three, it was three. If it was ten, it was ten.

Even if my body would physically let me do that, I don't think I would.
When I get to have sex, it's just that one time for that day and I want to cum just as much as they do!
Lately I have had so many regulars coming back on a frequent basis, which just shows me that they feel the connection I feel.


--------

For instance, I had this young guy named Martin who booked me for the first time a while back.
Martin is my age, 23, has a great sense of humour, stable job, and best of all extremely nice and caring.
BUT... Martin didn't cum on our first meet.
I tried not to take it personally, although it's hard NOT to.
I decided it was due to his stamina and young age; since most of my clients are aged 40 or older.
At least that's what I told myself, because I didn't want it to be that he wasn't turned on by me.

After Martin left our hour and a half booking, he texted me soon after.

"Hey Cass. Just a text to say thanks for tonight, I really enjoyed it, I'm already shattered from our workout, ha. I'll be in touch soon to arrange something else. Thanks again! :) xx"

Two days later he booked me for 2 hours.

Once again, he failed to ejaculate.
It was hard not to take it personally that time.
I felt maybe that he just liked the American part of me, and was actually turned off by everything else, like my body hair.
As some of my clients are like this; they focus on one aspect of my look that they really like and tune out the others.
I brought it up to him as we were getting dressed to part ways, once again.

"You know..." I began. "You don't have to keep coming to see me if you don't want to."

"What? What do you mean? I like seeing you." He replied, with a confused look on his face.

"It's just.... It's just that you haven't cum yet. And you told me that you're able to cum when you jerk off, and that you've had sex with other girls... so I feel like you must not be attracted to me. - Which is totally fine! I just don't want you to feel stuck is all..." I wasn't ashamed. It didn't matter if he found me attractive or not. Plenty of men did, and most importantly- I find myself to be beautiful.

"You're crazy! I'm so into you! To be honest... I'm just nervous."

"What?! Why?! You have nothing to be nervous about!" I re-assured him, shocked of his reasoning.

"Yes I do! You're so pretty and smart, and have been through so much. We're the same age yet I feel like I haven't done even a quarter of the stuff you have. Not to mention, I always want to make sure you cum and then by then I guess I psych myself out. It's actually a lot of pressure!" He laughs nervously.

I was so touched. I actually felt myself getting choked up.
But then all of a sudden I was annoyed.

"Please don't feel like you need to please me first! If you feel like you can cum, then cum! Don't hold it back for me! I would much rather you cum too soon, then not at all. At least then I would be saying to myself, 'damn, my pussy is so good I made him cum in a second!' It's actually a compliment! Instead I end up thinking, 'What the fuck is wrong with my pussy?' I mean if we were dating for a while, then yeah I'd want you to hold back to make me cum. But babe, this is what you are paying me for! I want you to cum! And I get turned on when I can feel you cumming and knowing your releasing yourself!" I blurted out, hoping it would make a difference somehow.

"I understand. And, I'm sorry that I made you feel that something was wrong with you. It's the complete opposite! I can't stop thinking about you! I've actually been thinking about booking an overnight with you, but didn't know if you would be up for that...." He shyly asked.

"OF COURSE I WOULD BABE!!"


It makes me nervous when these young guys spend all this money on me in a short amount of time.
I don't understand how they have so much, when their so young.
The last time this happened to me, the guy kept booking and booking until I asked him if he wanted to come to a mutual financial arrangement- to save him some money, but he refused saying it wasn't a big deal and that he could afford it.
I kept asking him if he was blowing through some sort of savings but he always dismissed my accusations.
Until one day... he called me, black out drunk, crying and telling me he was broke.
I cried for him.
I felt like I had rinsed him in some way, and that it was all my fault.
That I shouldn't have listened to him, and instead followed my own intuition and should have started only taking half of his money each time.
Drunk and crying, he begged me to see him for free, but there was NO WAY!
I couldn't afford to do that, but I told him that he would never have to pay full price again.
At that point, he had already given me a total of 8,000 pounds over the past 2 months!
To this day, him and I are still super close and actually good friends... even lovers.

Which is why when it came to Martin, I was not going to let the same thing happen like last time.
When he left, I started texting him with my concerns.

'Are you sure you can afford to do this?' I texted. 'Because if you can't, please tell me! Don't try  and be the hero! I can do the overnight for 1,000 pounds instead of 1,300 since you have seen me a few times already- o.k. babe?'

'O.K.' he replied. 'But, you really don't need to worry, I can afford it.'

It was too late, I was already worried and didn't want to be that type of girl.
I would much rather see a guy I really get along with for 1,000 pounds then see some random guy who I've never met and don't know how he will act for 1,300 pounds.

I planned for our overnight, coming up with different activities to do to make SURE he would cum this time!
I would do a couple strip-teases and lap dances, followed by some slow oral and then doing every position he ever wanted to try, (even the ones that just look good in porn, but don't actually feel good).
It's important to me that guys understand porn is not real life sex.
I'll always let them try any crazy position they have seen, just so they can feel that it doesn't actually feel good.
I then go on to explain that what they have been watching in porn just looks good and it's all fake; (you think they would know that...).
Once we get all their porn fantasies out of the way, then I show them what actually feels good!
Telling them to move their hips in circle motions.
Explaining not to rub directly on the clit as it's too sensitive, and instead rub right underneath it or next to it.
I'll compare the feeling of rubbing right on my clit to jerking their dick off after they have cum.
It makes their legs shake and knees go wobbly because the head of their dick is super sensitive after they ejaculate.
It's the same for a girls clit.
I know when a guy goes right on my clit it makes me spasm, but not in a good way, in an uncomfortable way.
However, have them go right underneath it... and the flood gates are released.


When Martin arrived for the overnight, he seemed even more nervous then ever!
I assumed as more meets happened, it would get easier and easier for him to relax.
But maybe my 'I'M GONNA MAKE YOU CUM TONIGHT!' texts were making it worse.
Since we had 12 hours in our date, I decided to sit down and watch a movie so that we could cuddle, snack and relax.
I nestled into him as I smoked spliff after spliff, getting more and more relaxed; while Martin was getting more and more tense as I caressed him with my fingers.
It was like he had never cuddled before, which I found incredibly cute.
He struggled to intertwine our fingers together and hold hands.
And, when I laid my head in his lap he just kept getting tangled up in my hair.
I kept re-adjusting my position  to find a spot that he was relaxed and comofrtable in, but it didn't work.
I wondered if maybe all the anticipation of the night ahead had him incredibly tense, so I decided to cut the movie short.

I took the remote and switched off the TV without giving him any warning.

"What are you doing?" He asked as the room engulfed in darkness, no longer having the 60" TV to shed light on our nervous faces.

Taking advantage of the growing darkness, I leaned in attempting to get my face right up to his, whispering, "I'm hoping to do you!"
I was hoping the darkness would have a mysterious and sexy effect, but it just caused more complications!
We banged our foreheads together before being able to even kiss!
When our lips finally locked, our tongues awkwardly trying to find a consistent rhythm together, I took my hand down to his upper leg, or what I thought was his upper leg.
After a minute of stroking I became aware that I was stroking a pillow that was next to his leg!

Nothing was going how I wanted it to.
I jumped up off the couch, my eyes now fully adjusted to the dark and the little bit of pink light coming from the 'date room' calling me in.
I grabbed his hand and without warning, I yanked him up and off the couch!

"WOAH! What... - "

"Shhhh!!!" I interrupted. "Just come with me."

Before he arrived I had set my date room up to have all my sexy clothing out in boxes on the floor.

"Pick any 6 outfits you want me to wear." I demanded.

"Why?" He asked.

"Because I'm going to give you 6 completely different lap dances and stripteases."

His eyes lit up.
My plan was to have his dick already throbbing by the time we laid in bed together.
I was NOT letting him leave without cumming this time.

I assumed he would have no problem picking out 6 different outfits but I overwhelmed him by giving him way too much to choose from!
He just stared at the piles of clothes, not knowing what to choose or even what to do with the piles of bras, panties and stockings and hold ups.

I helped him choose some matching outfits and some mix-matched ones.
After putting on some sexy music, I excused myself from the room and changed right outside the closed door.
When I came back in I tried to keep a sexy straight face as he sat in my desk chair, his eyes darting all over my body.
It took everything in me not to nervously giggle or laugh, which is just part of personality- but I didn't want him to think me laughing was because of him!

In my mind I planned on doing 6 very different strip teases but in reality they were all pretty much the same.
The great thing was by the time I put him on the bed, his dick had its own pulse.

It was the first time he came with me.


As we laid there out of breath and exhausted, I leaned over to light my spliff I had put to the side.
There is nothing like smoking after sex.
I caught a glimpse of his smile which made me smile.
All his nerves seemed to have disappeared and a new man was in front of me.

I had him carry the TV from the living room into my date room so we could remain naked and intertwined in each other under the cover as we watched more sci-fi (which is both of our preferred genres).

All of a sudden it was morning and I was awoken to the sound of him getting out of bed.

"Hey! Where are you going?! Come back to bed!" I sleepily commanded as I rubbed the warm spot on the bed he had left.

"I over slept, plus my time is technically up." He answered.

"Oh- come on! You know I don't care about that! Just get your butt back in here and cuddle me!"

"I wish I could... but I'm late for work now."

"What time did I fall asleep?" I asked. "I don't even remember closing my eyes."

"I don't either to be honest. We must have fallen asleep at the same time." He replied, all the while looking down at his feet.

The old Martin was back.
He was shy, nervous and withdrawn.

I honestly did just want to cuddle but he already had his shoes on and reaching for his coat.
I tiredly stretched, sat up, wrapped the blankets around my naked body and got up to walk him out.

"I had a really great time last night!" I exclaimed as I lead him to the front door.

"Me too!"

I kissed him goodbye but it was as if he could not get out the door quick enough.
As I closed the door behind him, I was left with my thoughts.

'What did I do wrong this time?'
'He seemed so different after sex last night compared to this morning. Maybe I did fall asleep way before him and he was annoyed I was sleeping when he was paying me."

My thoughts raced and raced, doubting everything I knew to be right and true.
I knew we had a great time last night.
I came about 4 different times, and they were all real orgasms.

(I rarely ever fake an orgasm. Even if the guy isn't fucking me right, I WILL get myself off.)

As we laid in bed last night, exhausted and into our sci-fi, he kept stroking my hands, thighs and everywhere else.
It felt like he genuinely wanted to be there and was enjoying himself, so why the sudden change?

My over analytical thoughts were interrupted by a text from Martin, which I was not expecting.


Martin;
'Cass :) that was one of the best nights I've had in a long time so thanks for that. Happy that I finally came ;) was great to spend the night, you're rather cute when your sleeping btw (don't take that in a creepy way) if I can and if you are up for it..I'd be good to do another over night in a few weeks, if you're not busy. Again, thank you so much for last night, that ice cream you have is amazing-- totally going out and finding some today! xx'

Me;
'You have no idea what a relief that is to hear! It seemed like you had something on your mind early last night and again this morning- which had me concerned that it was me. I feel like I have a really good connection with you, so I'm sorry if I revealed to much about me last night and if that freaked you out. I really hope I didn't disappoint you, I rarely meet clients who turn into 'friends' and I feel that way with you. Just know that I'm always here to talk if you need someone.'

Martin;
'I honestly can't say there is anything wrong with me. I enjoyed seeing you again, it could have been nerves- I was nervous seeing you for some reason. Don't worry about the opening up I think you're an insanely interesting person and as I said we all have our pasts and it makes us who we are now and it's great you have the determination to become a writer cause I'd buy your memoirs! I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel the same feeling of being that comfortable around someone since I'm usually a very anxious/ nervous/ reserved guy so being able to talk to you is brilliant! xxx'

Me:
'Awww! Your the cutest! You just made me smile so hard! I'm definitely down to do another over night in a few weeks but please don't book that long if you can't afford it! We can always come up with a good price that works for both of us!'

Martin;
'I can afford it, please don't worry about that! Cass, see if I was to say that I was more than attracted to you in a physical way would that cause a problem/make things weird for you? I'm only saying this since you probably already know since I'm crap at not showing that type of thing xx'

PAUSE.

*Getting a message like this is probably the biggest compliment a girl can get in my line of work. Martin, like most of my clients paid me for a GFE service. (Girl Friend Experience). I consider GFE to be my speciality and I often find myself in these type of scenarios.*


It took me a while to word and re-word a reply text until I felt I had the right response.
In no way was it my intention to have him fall for me or catch feelings, however, he did pay me to act infatuated. And, even though I'm mainly acting with clients like Martin, there is a still a real connection and relationship. It just isn't what he thinks it is. Over time, even short time, I can't help but form an attachment, care for him or even just check in with him. I do all of those things because I have gotten to know and care for him. But... to him, it seems like I've caught feelings. I open up with all my clients about my own past, personal issues and even moral dilemmas I seem to be facing at the time. I'm just an open person though- and this can be mis-leading to many. They see and hear me opening up and assume I have not shared my feelings with anyone else, when in reality, I have. They think they are special and different, when I'm just doing MY JOB.


Me:
'You say your crap at hiding your emotions, yet I had NO idea you felt that way!! It's so hard Martin because I definitely feel a great connection with you, but I am in no way ready for any sort of relationship. It just wouldn't be fair to you while I am living my current lifestyle. However, even if I was ready, I would still have to keep our relationship where it is now. I don't know what my future plans are, or even when I plan on settling down so I would feel nothing but guilt. BUT- if I ever change my mind or know any cute girls who want a date, then I know exactly how to find a cute, sweet, kind and extremely skilled boy! hehe xx'

(The first part of the text is to make sure he knows there is no chance of a relationship between us at this time in our lives. The last little bit is to re-assure him that he is perfect boyfriend material, maybe not for me, but for someone else.)

Martin;
'I understand completely Cass! I just didn't know how to tell you, and I figured it was worth a shot! I definitely still want to keep seeing you, even if it is just business. Just know I'll always be here xx'


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes I wonder if I should tone down the flirting or perhaps keep personal stuff to myself, and not open up to clients as much as I do. I would definitely avoid clients falling for me that way. Yet, on the other hand, I genuinely mean everything I do and say and absolutely hate the idea of having to dial myself down to avoid romantic conflicts. It's not my fault that in the moment they forget that they hired a hooker for sex. In reality it just means I'm REALLY good at my job!


*END NOTE*

Martin is still a regular client of mine, and we have come to a price negotiation. We actually even hang out normally now, and go to movies, shopping and dinner etc. He is someone I consider a close friend. He now realizes there is no chance of us being romantically involved; yet he says he cherishes our friendship more than anything. 

FRANK January 24, 2016

You can now see and hear me read me entries allowed on youtube HERE


When I first went 'independent' and stopped working for escort agencies, I began to get regular clients for the first time.
Working for an agency was great in the beginning; especially for learning the ropes- I highly recommend for anyone getting into the sex industry to work for an agency that seems to 'vibe' well with yourself for a bit.
The concept of an escort agency was so foreign to me since they didn't exist on the same level in America like they did here in England.
As I've explained in past entries; it took less than 2 months before the FBI questioned me and put my name on a 'black list' (a list of known prostitutes) in America.
So I can only imagine how long an agency would last over there!

It was March 2013; I had just moved back to England, but not for travelling and 'finding myself'', like last time, instead I moved back since the laws regarding prostitution were lenient.
On top of the legality, the Great British Pound (GBP) was still super strong and the US dollar still weak- so it seemed smart to me to make my money in GBP.
Since my mother is French and actually from France- I'm a dual citizen of the USA and of France, thereby making me a European Citizen and giving me the right to live and work in any of the 20+ Countries in the European Union, including England.
The ONLY arrangement I made prior to getting on a plane with all of my belongings in 2 suitcases plus a carry on, with NO return ticket- was to stay with my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend.
Yes, I'm bisexual... and yes this was going to be awkward.
I moved to England with her for the first time in 2010, when I was 18 and wanted to travel all of Europe.
After a few months I went backpacking and she stayed behind in Manchester and had been there ever since.
Upon landing in Manchester I got a taxi to her place, which she was currently sharing with 4 other people, all boys- and I wasn't surprised to find it a mess.
She had already left for work and her room-mates were no where to be found
I decided that I wasn't going to sit back and relax for a bit, instead it was time to get my life on track, to set and reach every goal I had ever made for myself and to NEVER give up on my dreams.

All the years prior to that moment felt wasted away.
I never really seemed to 'LOVE' myself, my life or really even had the desire to get out of bed in the late afternoon.
Yet, ever since I had taken Ibogaine a few months before in Mexico, it was like someone shook me awake finally.
Things were clear for the first time in my life.
I had wasted too much time on self pity, self loathing and self-doubt.
Ibogaine is a naturally occurring psychoactive substance found in plants and is a strong, long-lasting psychedelic with dissociative properties
When used correctly and in the right dosage it can cause you to feel re-born, which allows you to delve into your mind and come to terms with your past, who you are, what you have done and who you want to become.
Those reading should be made aware I had to undergo blood tests, EKG tests and a psychological evaluation before being allowed to take Ibogaine. Even then I had to fly to Mexico to work with an 'Iboga Provider' who was specially trained with Ibogaine, since it's illegal in the United States.
During my Ibogaine 'flood dose' I cried, sobbed, laughed, felt terrified, felt over joyed, hugged myself and even had the most intense in-depth conversation with myself.

Since then, it has been all about ME. 
For too long I had let people walk all over me and take advantage of my kindness and generosity, 
For too long I put others before myself and for WAY too long- I didn't think I was worth it.

I found the spare room that I was meant to stay in, put my suitcases in the corner, looked around at the cold and dark space that was going to be my 'home' for a while.
I wanted more for myself.
I opened my new laptop, the last thing my last Sugar Daddy bought for me in the States (besides my plane ticket), and typed into Google search bar; 'escort agencies in Manchester U.K.'
Pages upon pages of agencies began to flood my browser and I opened each one in a new tab, carefully comparing them to one another.
I applied to all the agencies I got a good vibe from, making sure to stay away from the ones filled with only perfect barbie doll types, and applying to ones featuring a variety of girls.
It was so bizarre; clicking an 'escorts wanted' tab and applying to a real job.
I had only known the craigslist version of prostitution and even the seedier version of that!
In America all the ads of girls had their face blurred out but since my family knew, I left my face viewable which made me much more money; but also got the attention of the FBI.
I then realized the girls weren't just blurring their faces in case their family saw, but so that they couldn't get in trouble with the cops!
Yet here in England, all the girls had professional photos of themselves, their faces weren't blurred away, many of them had boob jobs, their lips done and actually looked healthy and happy!
Go to backpage.com search the escorts in any major city in America and they all have horrible quality 'selfies' as their photos and the majority of them appear to be on hard drugs.
The questions on the applications varied from boob and waist size to biggest turn on's and off's.
Then they gave you a pre-made list of sexual activities and asked you to tick anything you were willing to do. The activities (listed in alphabetical order) ranged from Anal play, Adult baby minding to Travel companion, Uniforms and Water sports.
I had to 'Urban Dictionary' close to half of the activities listed.

For instance, when I read 'hard sports' I assumed it was being 'rough' and 'hard' with a guy, but was shocked to learn it meant shitting on them or them shitting on you!
HELL NO!
I applied to over 10 agencies, assuming not many would want me.
I instantly began getting calls from ALL the agencies I applied to!
It was flattering that everyone I applied to wanted me,
Most of the agencies however, want you to ONLY work for them; they didn't want you working for multiple agencies.
I re-looked at all the agencies and decided on 'Manchester Angels' (name has been changed for the story).
I spoke with Danielle on the phone who explained she and a guy named Danny ran the agency together.
She arranged to have a driver come pick me up THAT same night and bring me to her house to go over stuff, and if all went well; I would start work that night!


So, in one day I flew from U.S.A. to the U.K. and then by the evening was already working for an agency!
I did my first out-call with them that night and made 200 pounds ($320).

'Manchester Angels', and all the escort agencies- were not what they appeared to be.
There was a lot of drama behind the scenes and everything was un-organized.
I immediately wanted to go back to being independent, but knew it was smart to learn the ropes first
After 3 months of working for the agency, I signed up to Adultwork.com and went Independent.
I was now living on my own in an apartment right in the Northern Quarter of Manchester.
So, I traded the security, a driver and the petty glammed up girls for more money.
Every job I did with them, 40 GBP went to the agency as a fee, 20-30 GBP to the driver and 20 GBP to security.
I wasn't left with much after that.

The agency had made me dye my hair blonde (apparently blondes are in demand more), shave everywhere and dress a certain way.
Pretty much they wanted a blonde American Barbie, which I was the complete opposite of.
So, while my hair remained blonde I stopped shaving (a personal preference) and began dressing my way.
I spent hours writing my profile in an articulate and thoughtful, yet sexy and captivating way.
Then, I carefully selected numerous photos and submitted my I.D. and other required documents.
Since I had no reviews or references, it took me a few days until I finally got a booking.

Among one of my first independent clients was Frank; an 82 year old man with a very 'posh' and classy accent.
He used big words like I did, and was stunned by the way I presented myself.
He didn't expect that the hooker he hired would be so educated and well-travelled.
We had been to a lot of the same places, he had been in the army while I just roamed the earth.

Frank instantly became a regular, coming to see me 3 times a week like clockwork!
Most people, including myself, were baffled at the fact that he had the energy to see me that often.
We worked out a deal that worked for the both of us financially.
I basically arranged it so he paid my rent every month.
We bonded so much and learned everything about each other
I even told him things I feel I will need to wait until I'm out of this industry to talk about.
Frank was still married, however, his wife suffered from Dementia, and he had to hire a nurse to care for her.
Before her Dementia got really bad, he told me she gave him her blessing to see a 'lady of the evening'.
She knew how much of a sexual being he was and only asked that he be safe, respectful and to see just that one girl.

I was that girl.

As time went on, Frank began taking cute photos of me and getting them developed, he would be bring me books, write me poems and bring me my favourite flowers and fruit.
It was hard not to get attached and not care for him,
If I didn't hear from him, I would get worried- thinking the worst could have happened to either him or his wife.
I know it's fucked up to say, but he was like a Grandfather to me.
He would check in on me, bring me gifts and genuinely cared.... and gave me money to have sex, haha.
He kept telling me how talented I was and encouraged me to get back into school and to write much more.
When it actually came to the sex, he was pretty vanilla for the most part.
Never lasting more than 5 or 7 minutes and always in the missionary position.
As we grew closer he felt he could open up to me about some sexual fantasies he had always had.
The main one he really wanted to make into a reality was watching me get fucked by someone else.
At the time I didn't have a guy that I knew that was willing to have an 82 year old man watching and masturbating in the corner as we fuck.
Regardless, he was determined and found a young male escort in the area.
I had agreed to the fantasy thinking he wouldn't actually find someone to fuck me, so when he did I immediately regretted the decision.
A huge part of me wanted to call it off and another part wanted me to explore my sexuality and experience it before deciding it wasn't for me.

He arrived at my city centre apartment with a young, and extremely good looking boy around 22 years old, trailing behind him as he climbed all 5 stories to my floor.
When I shut the front door behind them, I was suddenly flustered and nervous.
I began stumbling over all my words when I came to the realization that both of these men would be fucking me.
I made small talk as I lead them into the bedroom and asked them if they wanted something to drink.
Most escorts I know, answer the door wearing stripper heels and never really take them off.
I, on the other hand, was always barefoot.
As I walked into the kitchen to grab us all water for when we were parched from fucking,
I suddenly wished I had heels on that would click as I walked away, instead you could hear my bare feet stomping around as I left them in their awkward silence.

"You can do this.You can do this.You can do this.You can do this." I told myself over and over while I spilled water on the counter from shaky nerves.
The best thing to do, was to get it over with.
I took a deep breathe before stomping back into the bedroom with 3 waters and a smile on my face.
It was clear these men were nervous too, and there was no way they were going to initiate the sex.

"Right!" I exclaimed. "Let's do this! How about you stand over there Frank, and you- what's your name again?"

"Rob." He uttered, avoiding any sort of eye contact with me, (a huge pet peeve of mine).
*I can't stand when people avoid eye contact or are super shifty. I always make it a point to look someone straight in their eye while speaking, it comes off that you are hiding something or just super self-concious.*

"Ok... Rob... why don't you get undressed?" I suggested, while I myself took off my bra and underwear to show him that I too was getting naked.

It only got worse for me as he undressed.... he revealed a 6 pack of Abs and a very long and thick dick.
I became overly aware of how young and fit he was, because there was an 82 year old man in the corner getting naked.
Frank had a pale, milky white skin tone that would have made all his veins visible even if he wasn't getting old and wrinkly.
Rob, on the other hand, had this caramel skin tone that was dreamy enough without the dark hair and blue eyes.
No wonder he was a male escort.
My eyes darted between both of their strikingly different bodies, with no idea where to actually steady my gaze.
Did Frank want me to look at him while I got fucked?
Or did he want me to act like he wasn't in the room and have all my attention on Rob?
Before I could even ask the question out loud; Rob was leaning in to kiss me.
His eyes were already squeezed tight shut, as if he was trying to hide from the moment, trying to go somewhere else.
Which made me question why he was even doing this?
What had gotten him to this point?
Instead of wanting to kiss him; all I wanted was to find out why he was here.
I wanted to trade stories and didn't want this old man in the corner all of a sudden.
But, I couldn't be that selfish, I mean here I am, getting paid to do this.
So, I had to suck it up, I had to just get on with it.

Under the circumstances, I just let him lick my face pretty much.
His eyes were squeezed so tight shut and he was literally sticking his tongue and licking whatever it could find,
I felt all my hairs stick up as his spit began drying on the side of my cheek, where spit shouldn't even be when kissing.
I remember opening my eyes and out of the corner I could see Frank beginning to touch his dick, slowly getting it aroused.
I then realized that was why his eyes were squeezed shut tight!
He didn't want to open them because he didn't want to see this old wrinkly man in the corner.
And- I can get that... I can totally understand.
Yeah, Frank IS old and wrinkly but... he was MY FRANK; I didn't see the old and wrinkly man anymore, to me- he was a beautiful guy who genuinely cared about me.
Not just about me, but about his wife, my friends and about everything I was doing.
I wanted this experience to be right for Frank and I became so aware that Rob was going to screw it up.
I had to take it into my own hands.
I had to make this right.

I stopped Rob from kissing me by putting my hand on his chest and pushing him away from my face.
He was shocked and confused as to why I just stopped everything in the middle of him attempting to start finger banging me.
"Look..." I began. "you're not really kissing me right."
You could see on his face the confusion and embarrassment.
But, come on, I'm not just gonna sit there and let this guy lick my face!
Technically I would be doing him a dis-service by not telling him he sucked at kissing, since he would be going around kissing girls for the rest of his life the wrong way!
Plus you are a MALE ESCORT, you should know how to kiss!
I grabbed his face with both my hands and began kissing him a lot slower, using my hands to guide his mouth and the angle of his face.
Turning the session into more of a girl friend experience instead of  just a random fuck.
Making him go slow and be more sensual since that was always how Frank was with me and I wanted him to see it from an outside perspective.
To show him how beautiful it felt when he would go slow and discover my body.

After some kissing I began to give Rob some oral.
I put the condom on his dick with my lips, looking Frank in the eye across the room as I did so.
Rob was sitting propped up against the headboard, facing Frank as I sucked him off with my ass in the air, giving Frank a nice view.
Rob must have become very aware of what was happening because I could feel his dick getting softer in my mouth.
I glanced up at him and could see that his eyes were open, and darting between me sucking his dick and an old man in the corner jerking off.
It was all a bit frustrating, because here I am supposed to be fucking this guy and he can't really get his dick hard.
And I mean, to be fair, it's an awkward situation.
If I had a dick I probably would have no chance of getting hard, but luckily I'm a girl and can just spit on my pussy if I'm not turned on.
I switched our positions so that his back would be facing Frank instead of his face, this way I could continually look Frank in the eye while I gave him oral and Rob could just look down at me.
It began working and Rob began throbbing in my mouth.

It's at this point that I should clarify that Frank wanted Rob to ejaculate all over my tits and then leave my apartment,
Once Rob was gone, Frank was to have sex with me immediately after- with Rob's cum still all over my tits.
That was the plan.....

Rob lifted me away from his dick and threw me onto my back, his fingers eagerly exploring everything.
We were now facing each other and couldn't really see Frank.
He entered into me and began pumping away WAY TOO FAST!
I had to stop him, again, and explain that unless I asked to be fucked hard and fast... don't do it.
Don't do it to ANY girl.
He began going slow, like I asked, and within minutes announced he was almost ready to cum.
As soon as he said it out-loud he took his dick out of me, took off the condom and began jerking himself off over my tits.
I continued to rub my clit, since he hadn't made me cum yet and I was only just getting into it!
However, Frank walked over to the side of the bed to get a good clear view of the "money shot".
Once Frank was at the side of the bed, jerking his old man dick in our faces, Rob went soft...again.

We tried to keep fucking and even some more oral but after 20 minutes of just fumbling with a soft dick, I finally had to be the one to come out and say it.

"I don't think it's gonna happen babe..." I say in a firm way since my wrist was killing me from jerking his semi hard dick off.

"Yeah.... I think your right." He admitted with defeat.

I could see disappointment all over Franks face but I would rather get Rob the fuck out of the apartment and fuck Frank since he can actually make me cum and knows what he's doing down there.
I lead Rob to my bathroom so he could clean up and get dressed before leaving.
I ran back into the bedroom to whisper to Frank, "there was NO WAY it was going to happen! So I'd rather just fuck you!" I winked.
A smile spread over Franks face.

When I let Rob out there was an awkward mixture of apologies, no eye contact and see you around's.
I burst back into the bedroom to find Frank naked on the bed.

"Jesus fuck!" I exclaimed! "You'd think a male escort would be able to cum when asked!" Laughing as I fell back into his embrace.

"I know!" Frank agreed. "What do you think it was?"

I found it incredibly cute that he didn't know he was to blame for the performance.
It's bad enough just knowing someone is jerking off in the corner, but when you can hear it and them... it's ALL you can focus on.
Instead of blaming him, I blamed it on myself.

"I probably wasn't his type at all!" I began. "He probably was into it until he saw my armpit hair and my bush, then his dick was like NOOOO!" I laughed, making a joke.
We laughed together for a minute and then began softly kissing.

Five more minutes later, Frank had cum and it was his time to leave.

Before I opened the door to let him out, we arranged our next meet in 2 days time and decided to not hire Rob again.
Ironically enough, we DID end up hiring him again a few months later because he re-assured Frank he would definitely cum that time... and he did, all over my pretty tits.

As I let Frank out, I closed the door and listened to him begin the long descent down my 5 story walk up.
I picked up my phone, which had been on silent, and found 10 missed calls and numerous text messages from more potential clients.

I found myself wishing every client was like Frank.
Asking myself, 'why can't I just see Frank and guys like him?'


Since then, Frank has stopped seeing me due to being diagnosed with cancer and is embarrassed on his appearance, regardless of my persistent compliments.
I now know that 'older' clients, usually aged 50 and older, are the sweetest and most gentle men to see.
The majority of them actually KNOW how to make a woman cum and how to make her smile!
The older they are, the more considerate and kind they seem!

I love when I get a call from a potential client and they ask,
"I'm over 50 is that ok?"
 My answer is always,

"I prefer men that age!"


SEX INDUSTRY SNAPSHOT ;; a project I worked on for Tamara Santibanez

TOO GOOD November 19, 2015

Things are going good.
Too good.
When it's like this, it almost doesn't feel right.
Like...
How is this possible?
Something's gotta give.
And that dreaded 'something will happen and fuck this up' feeling hangs over me.
So,
instead of waiting for something to go wrong...
I make something go wrong.

Luckily, that hasn't happened yet.
But,
unfortunately, I know myself all too well.
And that is what I do.
Things start to go great,
and I have to throw a wrench in it.
Years ago, therapists told me it was because I felt 'un-worthy' of things going good.
Who knows if hearing someone say that only made it into a reality.

I like to think things can and will change,
I need to let things be good.
I need to not fuck up.